Heavenly Father and I have conversations in very interesting places. I think I’ve mentioned before that for a long long time, some of my most intimate spiritual experiences and answers to prayer occurred while in the shower. There are a couple of reasons for this, I think: one, and I already mentioned the word, the shower is a very intimate place; two, it’s also a very vulnerable place (can you imagine an angelic visitation occurring while you are in the shower! Yikes!); and three, it’s a comfortable place, and I’ve always found it much more easy to be receptive to the spirit when I’m warm and comfy.
While I still find myself praying often in the shower, I’ve noticed a new place that has become a rather reoccurring sanctuary: my car. I live on the east side of the valley, but find myself very often driving west. Most of the times I manage to get traffic timed right so that I’m not driving for more than 20 or 25 minutes, but occasionally it takes between 45 minutes and an hour to get to where I’m going. I had a rather interesting experience while getting onto the 21st south onramp the other day that I think is pertinent and that I wanted to share/get opinions on.
First, a bit more background: I’ve been studying a lot of church history lately, specifically from all the websites I’ve always been cautioned to stay away from, tee hee hee. There is a lot of information I knew, but that I can see as alarming to someone without a “testimony” of the church (like Joseph Smith translating the BOM with a seer stone in a hat, and NOT the Urim and Thummim – but who really cares? I have no idea why the church would want to keep that a secret other than the fact that seer stones have pagan connotations), some information I never knew but still don’t seem to care so much about (the number and ages of Joseph Smith’s wives, polyandry, temple adoptions sealing men to men), and quite a bit about polygamy.
I’m actually surprised at how the doctrine of polygamy is perceived in the church, and how that perception has changed, and how the perception of women is different than the perspective of men, even in today’s church. I don’t understand how members of the church deny that polygamy is an eternal doctrine, one that I would imagine, a good majority, if not all, church members may be asked to participate in as a condition of eternal salvation in the Celestial kingdom.
I’m surprised how this subject is treated, discussed, snickered about, and celebrated in Priesthood session – but does it ever come up in Relief Society? I’d assume mostly not, because I have yet to meet many women who feel comfortable with this doctrine and are willing to participate in it, whether in this life or the next. I always assumed everyone knew about it and accepted it – if not accepting and embracing the practice, than at least accepting that it was possible that they would be called into a polygamous situation in the next life (after all, how is a man/God supposed to populate planets without number with only one wife? Seems to me that polygamy would be REQUIRED for Godhood in order to make enough spirit bodies for eternity).
So a while ago I asked a bishop about this doctrine (it was during one of our homosexuality discussions, about how polygamy was the celestial order but how the teachings on earth have changed depending on God’s mood/will at the time, and why it couldn’t be the same with homosexuality). He told me that while polygamy was a doctrine of the church, it required a special calling to practice it, and that such a calling would not be extended in this life under current church policy (at least for living polygamy), and that he imagined the Lord would extend personal and individual callings to people who were ready to or could practice it in the next life, if at all.
Now, back to my car ride, entering the 21st south onramp…
I’ve mentioned before about my feelings regarding what will happen to homosexuals, and homosexuality, in the next life. Specifically (to refresh your memory), I feel that, at least FOR ME, homosexuality will rise with me in the resurrection, and with full understanding of the Lord’s plan, it will then become more of a choice. After seeing how I, specifically, fit in to the plan of salvation, as a gay man on this earth, I believed the specific gifts and lessons I learned here would be the end of it. I could actually envision a day when my partner and I would look at each other with love and admiration, and with full understanding of God’s plan go our separate ways.
Whether we would be going our separate ways to live as single individuals or to form more “traditional” families, I didn’t know – nor was it my concern. What happened after that moment of clarity where homosexuality would become a choice was not something I concerned myself with. I figured it was just something the Lord was wanting me to understand without revealing all the mysteries surrounding the hows, whats, whys, or whens.
At the time I felt I received this insight from the Lord, I was ok with it. It allowed my two halves to unite, allowed me to love the fact that I was gay, love the fact that I was learning things that I could not learn any other way. I knew the gifts being gay brought me would be used in the eternities – but the form they took in the next life didn’t matter.
Until that day on 21st south on the onramp.
I remember thinking that I no longer had any desire to be straight. Sure, the “ideal” family with husband/wife(s)/children appealed to me because that was what I was taught I SHOULD want, and appealed to me because that was what I was taught I would NEED to continue to progress throughout eternity, but I’ve always found the mechanics of such an arrangement to be unappealing and uncomfortable.
And so, on the 21st south freeway onramp the Lord and I had a conversation. I told him how grateful I was for the chance I had been given to feel love, to unite myself with my partner, and to feel a great respect and awe over him every day. I told him how grateful I was for the revelation I felt I had received in the past regarding how my perfect body and spirit would handle homosexuality in the next life, and expressed how grateful I was that I knew that he had not turned his back on me, ever.
Then, I expressed my concerns over what the next life would look like for me. I knew I would have the choice to separate from my partner, and that we would both be happy fitting into the Lord’s plan. I told him that I looked forward to the day when all of this became a choice, but that I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to not be gay. There are too many gifts, too much to love, too much to learn – and I told him that I never wanted to give up those gifts – and that I found the idea of giving them up to be much like the parable of the unused talents.
His answer started with a gentle reminder of the conversation I had in the bishop’s office, about how polygamy was a calling.
I told him I didn’t want to be polygamist either – that the idea of one woman was bad enough, haha. But I told him that I had no doubt I would be happy with whatever he was willing to bless me with in the next life. I told him that I honestly questioned the plan of salvation for me, if it required marriage to make me happy… if it required me to make that choice when presented with that particular calling, but that I had enough faith to know that somehow I would fit in.
And then something absolutely insane happened. The Lord reminded me about that choice in these words, “Remember how I told you that after you were resurrected, you would see my entire plan, and I would allow you to make the choice about whether or not to remain a homosexual?”
“Sure,” I responded. “That is the choice this whole prayer has been about.”
“You never bothered asking what choice I wanted you to make.”
And I realized, that I had assumed. Because of all the church’s teaching about the traditional family, because of the required new and everlasting covenant as a gateway to Godhood, I had assumed that what Heavenly Father would have wanted was for me to choose to separate from my partner.
“That will be an option,” Heavenly Father said, “if that is what you want when you understand; but I have something else in mind for you.”
I admit that by this time I had tears running down my face, and all of my fears and burdens seemed to be lifted beyond anything I had ever felt before. It was a truly liberating experience.
Of course you’re wondering if I asked him what he had in mind for me, and of course I did. But that’s when I got the infamous “I can’t tell you that just yet” answer that seems to be so common for the Lord to tell me.
So why do I tell you all of this? Why do I share such a personal experience? Mainly because I’ve felt like I should, but also because I know a lot of people who assume that the choice to be gay is the choice to go against God’s will. This has not been my experience.
But who really knows. Maybe my experience is unique. Maybe I’m totally delusional or 100% wrong. I’m sure many will prefer to believe I am deceived by Satan or listening to evil spirits and not the spirit of the Lord – but of this I am sure: As the spirit of the Lord is real, so is God the Father and his Son, and so was this conversation with him.
It seems that sometimes the Lord expects strange things from certain people. For Joseph Smith, it was translating a book out of a hat using a pagan seer stone. For the church, it has been to require some to practice polygamy. For you, it may be a “non-traditional” family in the afterlife where your greatest job will be to populate the planet with as many spirit babies that you can possibly create.
It is wrong of us to assume that what the Lord wants for us is what he wants for someone else. I honestly believe he really does know how to make us each individually happy. Why does my happiness require a different path than the happiness of my sisters, parents, or friends? Well… I can’t tell you that just yet ;)
Showing posts with label homosexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homosexuality. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Brad Carmack - Homosexuality: A Straight BYU Student’s Perspective
I received a bit of a strange email this weekend from a guy named Brad Carmack. He claims to be a BYU doctorate student who has written a book about his experiences, studies, etc. regarding homosexuality. His book is entitled Homosexuality: A Straight BYU Student’s Perspective.
After reading just a few chapters of this book, I have decided to repost his email to me below. It includes links to his work in both PDF and DOCX formats. Let’s help Brad get the word out, shall we?
Here is a copy of his email:
---
“Please guest post the below immediately.
Thank you,
Brad Carmack
2011 JD/MPA Candidate
Title: Homosexuality: A Straight BYU Student’s Perspective
1) President Packer’s general conference talk
2) The recent rash of suicides by gay teens across the country, accompanying “It Gets Better Project,” and current suffering of my homosexually oriented brothers and sisters
3) My coauthor, from whom I have received much help and inspiration, wants it out sooner than later
These are the reasons why I am releasing my book now. I preferred to wait until Homosexuality: A Straight BYU Student’s Perspective was groomed and edited further; however, it is not my book alone. Heavenly Father helped me write it, and I believe He would have me release it rather than keep it on my hard drive while I spend months making minor improvements. This book is destined to relieve some of the suffering of my homosexual brothers and sisters, though I don’t yet know by how much. Stuart Matis, shortly before committing suicide on the steps of an LDS chapel on February 25, 2000 in Los Altos, California, wrote to his family: “Perhaps my death ... might become the catalyst for much good. I'm sure that you will now be strengthened in your resolve to teach the members and the leaders regarding the true nature of homosexuality. My life was actually killed many years ago. Your actions might help to save many young people's lives."
So here it is- my 165-page magnum opus to date, in raw .docx and .pdf form (google doc: https://docs.google.com/leaf?id=0B1u3K43P-3JoYTUzNjYwMGEtNzNmYi00ODkwLTllMzYtNjRlOTVlMWUwYTM2&hl=en
Non gmail users, in .pdf only:
http://rapidshare.com/files/426861209/Homosexuality_A_Straight_BYU_Student_s_Perspective_Draft_2.pdf. I invite your feedback as I’m still in the later editing stage. Summary of the book below.
My promise to the open-minded reader is that you will be touched, you will learn things you had never considered, and your views on same-sex marriage and homosexuality in the LDS church will likely change voluntarily.
-Bradley Carmack
Summary: The book has two parts: 1) homosexuality (chapters 1-3) and 2) same-sex marriage (chapters 4-7).
In chapter 1, I argue that church members should have great compassion for homosexually oriented members of the church because of the personal difficulties they experience as a result of their orientation and how the Mormon community typically responds to that orientation. I quote a number of studies and give voice to the experiences of many LDS homosexually oriented people.
In chapter 2, I explore causation, detailing both the religious voice and the scientific consensus. Elder Oaks noted how appropriate this type of an inquiry is: "The Church does not have a position on the causes of any of these susceptibilities or inclinations, including those related to same-gender attraction. Those are scientific questions — whether nature or nurture — those are things the Church doesn’t have a position on." I detail 60 statements by church leaders on what causes homosexuality. On the scientific side, I discuss 32 separate subjects to juxtapose two opposing hypotheses for the causation of homosexual orientation: 1) biological factors such as genes and pre-natal hormones, and 2) factors such as infection, molestation, and choice. Some examples of the evidence addressed: homosexual men have, on average, measurably and significantly different ratios of the second to fourth digit of their hands than their heterosexual counterparts. The anterior commissure of their brains is gender shifted away from the heterosexual male norm and toward the heterosexual female norm. Their limb:trunk ratio is similarly gender-shifted, as is their performance on visio-spatial tasks, third interstitial nucleus (a region of the brain thought to be directive of male-type sexual behavior) size and density, left:right brain hemisphere ratio, brain response to sex pheromones, cochlear sound production, thalamic response to female faces, verbal abilities, physical aggressiveness, expressiveness, and childhood gender conformity to name just a few.
In chapter 3 I examine how changeable sexual orientation is by considering relevant church doctrines and looking at the empirical evidence on both sides.
In chapter 4 I show why homosexuals can reproduce, contrary to popular belief, and note that they are no different from inherently infertile heterosexual couples as to their reproductive capacity.
In chapter 5 I argue why, assuming for a moment that homosexual behavior is not sinful, it makes a lot of moral sense to support LDS same-sex marriage. For instance, I show how important family is to mortal experience and point out that celibacy does not provide a family experience, while same-sex marriage does.
Chapter 6 contains rebuttals to common anti- same-sex marriage arguments, many of which are deeply flawed.
Chapter 7 applies Elder Oaks's recent speech on the Constitution. Many church members have said that Judge Walker should not have heard the Perry v. Schwarzenegger (Prop 8) case, but instead should have let the voice of the people of California decide the matter. I show why this view is antithetical to our constitutional system of governance.
In closing, I explain my motivations for writing and make invitations to the reader.
____________________________________________________
Bio:
Brad Carmack is in his last year of the JD/MPA program at BYU. He majored in Biology, performed clerk assignments for Justice Joel Horton of the Idaho Supreme Court, and is currently a teacher’s assistant for Human Resources Law and Bioethics. Brad also regularly participates in USGA [Understanding Same Gender Attraction], an unsponsored BYU student talk group.”
After reading just a few chapters of this book, I have decided to repost his email to me below. It includes links to his work in both PDF and DOCX formats. Let’s help Brad get the word out, shall we?
Here is a copy of his email:
---
“Please guest post the below immediately.
Thank you,
Brad Carmack
2011 JD/MPA Candidate
Title: Homosexuality: A Straight BYU Student’s Perspective
1) President Packer’s general conference talk
2) The recent rash of suicides by gay teens across the country, accompanying “It Gets Better Project,” and current suffering of my homosexually oriented brothers and sisters
3) My coauthor, from whom I have received much help and inspiration, wants it out sooner than later
These are the reasons why I am releasing my book now. I preferred to wait until Homosexuality: A Straight BYU Student’s Perspective was groomed and edited further; however, it is not my book alone. Heavenly Father helped me write it, and I believe He would have me release it rather than keep it on my hard drive while I spend months making minor improvements. This book is destined to relieve some of the suffering of my homosexual brothers and sisters, though I don’t yet know by how much. Stuart Matis, shortly before committing suicide on the steps of an LDS chapel on February 25, 2000 in Los Altos, California, wrote to his family: “Perhaps my death ... might become the catalyst for much good. I'm sure that you will now be strengthened in your resolve to teach the members and the leaders regarding the true nature of homosexuality. My life was actually killed many years ago. Your actions might help to save many young people's lives."
So here it is- my 165-page magnum opus to date, in raw .docx and .pdf form (google doc: https://docs.google.com/leaf?id=0B1u3K43P-3JoYTUzNjYwMGEtNzNmYi00ODkwLTllMzYtNjRlOTVlMWUwYTM2&hl=en
Non gmail users, in .pdf only:
http://rapidshare.com/files/426861209/Homosexuality_A_Straight_BYU_Student_s_Perspective_Draft_2.pdf. I invite your feedback as I’m still in the later editing stage. Summary of the book below.
My promise to the open-minded reader is that you will be touched, you will learn things you had never considered, and your views on same-sex marriage and homosexuality in the LDS church will likely change voluntarily.
-Bradley Carmack
Summary: The book has two parts: 1) homosexuality (chapters 1-3) and 2) same-sex marriage (chapters 4-7).
In chapter 1, I argue that church members should have great compassion for homosexually oriented members of the church because of the personal difficulties they experience as a result of their orientation and how the Mormon community typically responds to that orientation. I quote a number of studies and give voice to the experiences of many LDS homosexually oriented people.
In chapter 2, I explore causation, detailing both the religious voice and the scientific consensus. Elder Oaks noted how appropriate this type of an inquiry is: "The Church does not have a position on the causes of any of these susceptibilities or inclinations, including those related to same-gender attraction. Those are scientific questions — whether nature or nurture — those are things the Church doesn’t have a position on." I detail 60 statements by church leaders on what causes homosexuality. On the scientific side, I discuss 32 separate subjects to juxtapose two opposing hypotheses for the causation of homosexual orientation: 1) biological factors such as genes and pre-natal hormones, and 2) factors such as infection, molestation, and choice. Some examples of the evidence addressed: homosexual men have, on average, measurably and significantly different ratios of the second to fourth digit of their hands than their heterosexual counterparts. The anterior commissure of their brains is gender shifted away from the heterosexual male norm and toward the heterosexual female norm. Their limb:trunk ratio is similarly gender-shifted, as is their performance on visio-spatial tasks, third interstitial nucleus (a region of the brain thought to be directive of male-type sexual behavior) size and density, left:right brain hemisphere ratio, brain response to sex pheromones, cochlear sound production, thalamic response to female faces, verbal abilities, physical aggressiveness, expressiveness, and childhood gender conformity to name just a few.
In chapter 3 I examine how changeable sexual orientation is by considering relevant church doctrines and looking at the empirical evidence on both sides.
In chapter 4 I show why homosexuals can reproduce, contrary to popular belief, and note that they are no different from inherently infertile heterosexual couples as to their reproductive capacity.
In chapter 5 I argue why, assuming for a moment that homosexual behavior is not sinful, it makes a lot of moral sense to support LDS same-sex marriage. For instance, I show how important family is to mortal experience and point out that celibacy does not provide a family experience, while same-sex marriage does.
Chapter 6 contains rebuttals to common anti- same-sex marriage arguments, many of which are deeply flawed.
Chapter 7 applies Elder Oaks's recent speech on the Constitution. Many church members have said that Judge Walker should not have heard the Perry v. Schwarzenegger (Prop 8) case, but instead should have let the voice of the people of California decide the matter. I show why this view is antithetical to our constitutional system of governance.
In closing, I explain my motivations for writing and make invitations to the reader.
____________________________________________________
Bio:
Brad Carmack is in his last year of the JD/MPA program at BYU. He majored in Biology, performed clerk assignments for Justice Joel Horton of the Idaho Supreme Court, and is currently a teacher’s assistant for Human Resources Law and Bioethics. Brad also regularly participates in USGA [Understanding Same Gender Attraction], an unsponsored BYU student talk group.”
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
A Dream
Even though I am now completely out in my life, and although most people who frequent this blog know who I am, I have to admit that I have maintained a certain level of anonymity for posts like this one. It is very difficult at times, and sometimes unwise, to discuss extremely personal, powerful spiritual experiences – but doing so anonymously seems a bit more practical.
When I was 14 and praying about why I should remain a member of the church, I remember having a very vivid dream. This dream is just as vivid to me today as it was the day after I had it. In it, I was show certain possibilities – things I think I needed to see at that point in time. When I woke, the feeling I had was intensely spiritual. In fact, I had never had similar feelings in my entire life… until a few nights ago.
The details of that first dream are now slightly irrelevant to this conversation, and were so personal that I won’t innumerate them here, but I do need to say that although this dream was inspiring and powerful, I now know it to mean something completely different than what I thought it did originally.
But this most recent dream… it is significant, and very applicable.
I dreamt I was at a mission reunion. Two of my very mission friends know about me and my partner Adam (in real life). They were there in this dream, as well as the hundreds of other missionaries I had the chance to serve with, to welcome into the mission field as an office missionary, and even the ones I didn’t know, but recognized their faces. The mission reunion was interesting in my dream, and although I felt at peace there, I was not comfortable.
At first I blamed this on the fact that I knew I was gay, and here I was, at a mission reunion. I thought my discomfort was because I was a sinner in the eyes of all these people – but it soon became apparent that my discomfort stemmed from something else.
I walked up to a sister companionship who were talking by themselves, only to hear them talking about me as I approached. I couldn’t hear everything, but I distinctly remember hearing the word “gay” in their conversation.
I froze, and wondered how they knew.
Suddenly, I was surrounded by all these good members of the church. They had fear and loathing in their eyes. The two friends of mine stood a little ways back, with compassion. It almost appeared like they were begging for forgiveness. Suddenly I realized that they had spilled the beans, and that everyone at this reunion knew I was gay.
On cue, one of the most flamboyant Elders in my mission field yelled “Is it true you are gay?” right in front of everyone. At first I was mortified, but then suddenly found myself in a teaching situation. I had the opportunity to explain what it meant to be gay.
Then my dream skipped, as they often do. I found myself on a barren street (one I recognized… it is the street that led to my house). No one was out, and the streets were empty. I set off home, pondering the events that took place during my “mission reunion.”
I was asking myself questions I have asked myself in life many times. “Why me?” “Why am I gay?” “Why do I constantly have to explain myself and clear up misunderstandings and misconceptions?”
In my dream I prayed, and asked God these same questions.
I admit I was surprised when a booming voice answered. Strangely, although the voice was loud and overpowering, it was also recognizable and calming. “Because I want it that way,” it said.
And then I woke up.
I must admit that I have drifted from the church over the past few years. I’ve allowed myself to make excuses to not go, and specifically have avoided places where I knew I would feel the spirit, because I was afraid of feeling guilty.
But the moment my eyes fluttered opened I felt that same, intense, overwhelming, screaming spirit I had only felt once before – when I was 14.
I don’t know why I have to go down the path I am going down. I don’t know, exactly, what it was about the experience of excommunication that I’m sure God wanted me to discover and learn from. But I do have one more piece of the puzzle. I know, beyond any doubt, that I have a job to do – even as an excommunicated Latter-Day Saint.
I am to tell my story, to teach, to explain, and to clear up misunderstandings and misconceptions.
The desire I have had to go to church, partly to just “stick it to the people” who would not want me there is not borne out of hostility. My Father wants it that way.
It was good to feel the spirit again and know that I am on the right track. It is good to know that somehow, my mission in life – whether changed from that vision of long ago or not – is somehow still being fulfilled. It is good to know that I am still capable of being a tool in the Lord’s hand.
I think I need to make a better effort to go to church… because somehow, somewhere, it is going to lead to a teaching experience. And a learning one too, I’m sure.
When I was 14 and praying about why I should remain a member of the church, I remember having a very vivid dream. This dream is just as vivid to me today as it was the day after I had it. In it, I was show certain possibilities – things I think I needed to see at that point in time. When I woke, the feeling I had was intensely spiritual. In fact, I had never had similar feelings in my entire life… until a few nights ago.
The details of that first dream are now slightly irrelevant to this conversation, and were so personal that I won’t innumerate them here, but I do need to say that although this dream was inspiring and powerful, I now know it to mean something completely different than what I thought it did originally.
But this most recent dream… it is significant, and very applicable.
I dreamt I was at a mission reunion. Two of my very mission friends know about me and my partner Adam (in real life). They were there in this dream, as well as the hundreds of other missionaries I had the chance to serve with, to welcome into the mission field as an office missionary, and even the ones I didn’t know, but recognized their faces. The mission reunion was interesting in my dream, and although I felt at peace there, I was not comfortable.
At first I blamed this on the fact that I knew I was gay, and here I was, at a mission reunion. I thought my discomfort was because I was a sinner in the eyes of all these people – but it soon became apparent that my discomfort stemmed from something else.
I walked up to a sister companionship who were talking by themselves, only to hear them talking about me as I approached. I couldn’t hear everything, but I distinctly remember hearing the word “gay” in their conversation.
I froze, and wondered how they knew.
Suddenly, I was surrounded by all these good members of the church. They had fear and loathing in their eyes. The two friends of mine stood a little ways back, with compassion. It almost appeared like they were begging for forgiveness. Suddenly I realized that they had spilled the beans, and that everyone at this reunion knew I was gay.
On cue, one of the most flamboyant Elders in my mission field yelled “Is it true you are gay?” right in front of everyone. At first I was mortified, but then suddenly found myself in a teaching situation. I had the opportunity to explain what it meant to be gay.
Then my dream skipped, as they often do. I found myself on a barren street (one I recognized… it is the street that led to my house). No one was out, and the streets were empty. I set off home, pondering the events that took place during my “mission reunion.”
I was asking myself questions I have asked myself in life many times. “Why me?” “Why am I gay?” “Why do I constantly have to explain myself and clear up misunderstandings and misconceptions?”
In my dream I prayed, and asked God these same questions.
I admit I was surprised when a booming voice answered. Strangely, although the voice was loud and overpowering, it was also recognizable and calming. “Because I want it that way,” it said.
And then I woke up.
I must admit that I have drifted from the church over the past few years. I’ve allowed myself to make excuses to not go, and specifically have avoided places where I knew I would feel the spirit, because I was afraid of feeling guilty.
But the moment my eyes fluttered opened I felt that same, intense, overwhelming, screaming spirit I had only felt once before – when I was 14.
I don’t know why I have to go down the path I am going down. I don’t know, exactly, what it was about the experience of excommunication that I’m sure God wanted me to discover and learn from. But I do have one more piece of the puzzle. I know, beyond any doubt, that I have a job to do – even as an excommunicated Latter-Day Saint.
I am to tell my story, to teach, to explain, and to clear up misunderstandings and misconceptions.
The desire I have had to go to church, partly to just “stick it to the people” who would not want me there is not borne out of hostility. My Father wants it that way.
It was good to feel the spirit again and know that I am on the right track. It is good to know that somehow, my mission in life – whether changed from that vision of long ago or not – is somehow still being fulfilled. It is good to know that I am still capable of being a tool in the Lord’s hand.
I think I need to make a better effort to go to church… because somehow, somewhere, it is going to lead to a teaching experience. And a learning one too, I’m sure.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Excommunicated
If you haven’t been lucky enough to run across the name Carol Lynn Pearson, I would highly suggest you Google her. She is an amazing LDS woman who has written many books on the subject of homosexuality. I subscribe to her newsletters, where she often describes something she calls “synchronicity.” Synchronicity is where seemingly random events in life all converge to form some greater meaning.
As I have read Carol’s experiences with synchronicity, I started looking for such events in my life. Unfortunately, I never found anything that inspired a great story, or even made me feel more connected to the human race or to God – that is, until January 11, 2009.
January 11, 2009 will be a day I will forever remember. It was the day I was excommunicated from the church. As I prepared for the proceedings, I clung to Carol’s book (that I recently purchased), No More Goodbyes. I decided to take it with me, so that if I was asked why I never “attempted” marriage as a possible cure (a question I am constantly asked), I could refer to Carol’s words. I needed them to hear where she told her bishop, “It isn’t that you are asking our gay young men to not marry, but you are asking them to marry me, and you are asking them to marry my daughter.” I think that was, perhaps, the strongest response I have heard to that question to date. I use it often.
But that was not where I noticed the synchronicity. As I was preparing for the court, I found the passage I wanted to mark, and reached for an old piece of paper that I had on my desk, just one that I could use to bookmark the page. I hurriedly shoved in the bookmark, as I needed to seek out some other scriptures and things I wanted to share with my soon-to-be judges.
When I was sitting in the Stake offices, waiting with my sobbing mother, I wondered if I had made the right choice in having the court instead of just removing my records. I wanted these men to hear what I had to say... I wanted to promote understanding and love at all costs. I wasn’t going to be brazen or prideful; I just wanted them to hear my story. But the pain I felt as I watched my mother's body roll with emotion was horrible. I almost changed my mind. I almost got up to leave. I could just tell the stake president to remove my records. I could just draft a letter. Surely my mom didn’t have to experience this. Surely I didn’t either. But then I noticed the little piece of paper sticking out from where I had marked Carol’s conversation with her bishop. I was drawn to it because it had writing on it; something I had not previously seen. I opened the book, and the piece of paper had one word written on it: Learn.
This one word reminded me of every reason I was there that day. I was there to learn from the church and from God. I was there so that the members of the high council would learn from me. I was there so my mother could learn. I was both student and teacher, and both roles were so important.
My mind then immediately applied this word to the meaning of life. This is what we are here to do: Learn. Learn what? Love. Whether it is to love deity or human, this is our task. I am so glad I had that book with me. I’m so glad Carol wrote it. Because of her I had that little piece of paper, and that little word that I needed at that time.
After the excommunication I had a member of the high council run up to me. He informed me he worked for the church in PR, and had been heavily involved in proposition 8. He expressed empathy for my situation, and thanked me for helping all at the table understand a little better the struggle of homosexuality. He promised to be more understanding. He wanted to speak with me more on the subject, and I agreed to let him be my home teacher. I don’t know where our conversations might lead, but somehow, somewhere, I’m sure someone will learn something from it.
As I have read Carol’s experiences with synchronicity, I started looking for such events in my life. Unfortunately, I never found anything that inspired a great story, or even made me feel more connected to the human race or to God – that is, until January 11, 2009.
January 11, 2009 will be a day I will forever remember. It was the day I was excommunicated from the church. As I prepared for the proceedings, I clung to Carol’s book (that I recently purchased), No More Goodbyes. I decided to take it with me, so that if I was asked why I never “attempted” marriage as a possible cure (a question I am constantly asked), I could refer to Carol’s words. I needed them to hear where she told her bishop, “It isn’t that you are asking our gay young men to not marry, but you are asking them to marry me, and you are asking them to marry my daughter.” I think that was, perhaps, the strongest response I have heard to that question to date. I use it often.
But that was not where I noticed the synchronicity. As I was preparing for the court, I found the passage I wanted to mark, and reached for an old piece of paper that I had on my desk, just one that I could use to bookmark the page. I hurriedly shoved in the bookmark, as I needed to seek out some other scriptures and things I wanted to share with my soon-to-be judges.
When I was sitting in the Stake offices, waiting with my sobbing mother, I wondered if I had made the right choice in having the court instead of just removing my records. I wanted these men to hear what I had to say... I wanted to promote understanding and love at all costs. I wasn’t going to be brazen or prideful; I just wanted them to hear my story. But the pain I felt as I watched my mother's body roll with emotion was horrible. I almost changed my mind. I almost got up to leave. I could just tell the stake president to remove my records. I could just draft a letter. Surely my mom didn’t have to experience this. Surely I didn’t either. But then I noticed the little piece of paper sticking out from where I had marked Carol’s conversation with her bishop. I was drawn to it because it had writing on it; something I had not previously seen. I opened the book, and the piece of paper had one word written on it: Learn.
This one word reminded me of every reason I was there that day. I was there to learn from the church and from God. I was there so that the members of the high council would learn from me. I was there so my mother could learn. I was both student and teacher, and both roles were so important.
My mind then immediately applied this word to the meaning of life. This is what we are here to do: Learn. Learn what? Love. Whether it is to love deity or human, this is our task. I am so glad I had that book with me. I’m so glad Carol wrote it. Because of her I had that little piece of paper, and that little word that I needed at that time.
After the excommunication I had a member of the high council run up to me. He informed me he worked for the church in PR, and had been heavily involved in proposition 8. He expressed empathy for my situation, and thanked me for helping all at the table understand a little better the struggle of homosexuality. He promised to be more understanding. He wanted to speak with me more on the subject, and I agreed to let him be my home teacher. I don’t know where our conversations might lead, but somehow, somewhere, I’m sure someone will learn something from it.
Friday, December 12, 2008
A long time coming...
With all the hype over California’s Proposition 8, and all the hoopla surrounding the after-effects, I decided to take a little break from my blog. I needed to clear my head and ensure that when I finally did sit down to write this piece, that I was doing so with a straight head. Sometimes, I get a little emotional over this issue.
First of all, I need to say that I get it. I understand why the church voices its doctrine in the way that it does. I don’t disagree with the LDS church or its decision to get involved in the Yes on 8 campaign. I understand that to the LDS church and its members, marriage is not just something that exists in this life, but is something that echoes the structure of the eternities. Families are how God gets things done, and marriage and children are the highest, most sacred rite; the closest to Godhood one can get in this life.
I also understand why the LGBT community is so upset over the time and money the LDS church spent fighting what they believe is (and what California ruled was) a civil right to legal marriage.
Gaining a clear understanding of this issue is difficult without the facts, and FACTS have been a bit hard to come by in this case. I feel FACTS have been skewed by both sides of the argument. Unfortunately, most of the evidence I have uncovered does seem to place some blame on the Yes on 8 campaign (notice, I DID NOT SAY the LDS Church), and I do very much feel that the Yes on 8 campaign was run with more dirt and malice than the No on 8 campaign was. I think this is why the LGBT, including myself, is so upset over this issue, and has chosen to place blame with the LDS church.
The fact is: The LDS church, or to put it more correctly, its members, financed more than half of the Yes on 8 campaign, which was full of lies and misconceptions. I received a copy of a letter sent by the Yes on 8 campaign to a businessman who had donated to the No on 8 campaign that was so awful and sickening, that to me, it bordered on blackmail. It wasn’t worded kindly, it wasn’t respectful. This letter told this business that if they did not donate equally to the Yes on 8 campaign, then the Yes on 8 campaign would post the name of this business, and advertise it as being against traditional family values.
The letter had four signatures. One was the chairman of the Yes on 8 campaign, one was a lawyer, one was a Catholic representative, and the other? LDS.
I will do my best to contact the LDS man on this letter in hopes of discovering his reasons for allowing his name to be used. After I let my bishop read this letter, even he was appalled. He told me that there must be a reason, something I was missing, something that only the LDS side of the argument could answer, as to why the LDS church would allow its name to be used in a strong-arm argument. I was assured that this was not the church’s way... although I do believe the current evidence dictates otherwise.
I hope I am mistaken, but even if I am, there will be few others within the LGBT community with more sympathy than I, and fewer still who are willing to seek for answers. If anyone knows any specifics, I would be very happy to discuss them. In fact, I’m salivating for the chance to discuss it with someone who worked closely with the Yes on 8 campaign, because for the life of me, I cannot understand why a church that I believe to be led by God himself would resort to using lies and falsehoods in a dirty campaign. Did the Yes on 8 campaign really think they were telling the truth? They had to know they were being deceptive, right? If God himself is against gay civil marriage, then there must be a better way to reach people than to spread the lie that schools would have to teach children about gay marriage, or that churches could lose their tax exempt status for not performing such marriages if a law were to pass that would require the state or federal government to recognize (legally) such unions. And let’s not forget about those “Six consequences of Gay Marriage” pamphlets that got distributed (written by Glen Greener and Gary Lawrence, two members of the LDS church), that were all refuted by a still-in-good-standing BYU professor (if his arguments weren’t legit, wouldn’t he have been fired like the other BYU professor who supported gay marriage?)
I don’t know how much the ACTUAL church donated to the Yes on 8 campaign, but I am sure that there is now an investigation as to why phone trees, ad production, actors, and website fees weren’t reported. I highly doubt that these funds came from the tithing funds of the church (the legality of such would be questionable), but I would like to know from where it came.
So if anyone might know of someone I can talk to in order to get these questions answered, I’d appreciate an email to gaysaint@gmail.com. Everything said in that discussion will remain confidential. I just need to know... for me.
My personal views of this subject will be discussed further... eventually.
First of all, I need to say that I get it. I understand why the church voices its doctrine in the way that it does. I don’t disagree with the LDS church or its decision to get involved in the Yes on 8 campaign. I understand that to the LDS church and its members, marriage is not just something that exists in this life, but is something that echoes the structure of the eternities. Families are how God gets things done, and marriage and children are the highest, most sacred rite; the closest to Godhood one can get in this life.
I also understand why the LGBT community is so upset over the time and money the LDS church spent fighting what they believe is (and what California ruled was) a civil right to legal marriage.
Gaining a clear understanding of this issue is difficult without the facts, and FACTS have been a bit hard to come by in this case. I feel FACTS have been skewed by both sides of the argument. Unfortunately, most of the evidence I have uncovered does seem to place some blame on the Yes on 8 campaign (notice, I DID NOT SAY the LDS Church), and I do very much feel that the Yes on 8 campaign was run with more dirt and malice than the No on 8 campaign was. I think this is why the LGBT, including myself, is so upset over this issue, and has chosen to place blame with the LDS church.
The fact is: The LDS church, or to put it more correctly, its members, financed more than half of the Yes on 8 campaign, which was full of lies and misconceptions. I received a copy of a letter sent by the Yes on 8 campaign to a businessman who had donated to the No on 8 campaign that was so awful and sickening, that to me, it bordered on blackmail. It wasn’t worded kindly, it wasn’t respectful. This letter told this business that if they did not donate equally to the Yes on 8 campaign, then the Yes on 8 campaign would post the name of this business, and advertise it as being against traditional family values.
The letter had four signatures. One was the chairman of the Yes on 8 campaign, one was a lawyer, one was a Catholic representative, and the other? LDS.
I will do my best to contact the LDS man on this letter in hopes of discovering his reasons for allowing his name to be used. After I let my bishop read this letter, even he was appalled. He told me that there must be a reason, something I was missing, something that only the LDS side of the argument could answer, as to why the LDS church would allow its name to be used in a strong-arm argument. I was assured that this was not the church’s way... although I do believe the current evidence dictates otherwise.
I hope I am mistaken, but even if I am, there will be few others within the LGBT community with more sympathy than I, and fewer still who are willing to seek for answers. If anyone knows any specifics, I would be very happy to discuss them. In fact, I’m salivating for the chance to discuss it with someone who worked closely with the Yes on 8 campaign, because for the life of me, I cannot understand why a church that I believe to be led by God himself would resort to using lies and falsehoods in a dirty campaign. Did the Yes on 8 campaign really think they were telling the truth? They had to know they were being deceptive, right? If God himself is against gay civil marriage, then there must be a better way to reach people than to spread the lie that schools would have to teach children about gay marriage, or that churches could lose their tax exempt status for not performing such marriages if a law were to pass that would require the state or federal government to recognize (legally) such unions. And let’s not forget about those “Six consequences of Gay Marriage” pamphlets that got distributed (written by Glen Greener and Gary Lawrence, two members of the LDS church), that were all refuted by a still-in-good-standing BYU professor (if his arguments weren’t legit, wouldn’t he have been fired like the other BYU professor who supported gay marriage?)
I don’t know how much the ACTUAL church donated to the Yes on 8 campaign, but I am sure that there is now an investigation as to why phone trees, ad production, actors, and website fees weren’t reported. I highly doubt that these funds came from the tithing funds of the church (the legality of such would be questionable), but I would like to know from where it came.
So if anyone might know of someone I can talk to in order to get these questions answered, I’d appreciate an email to gaysaint@gmail.com. Everything said in that discussion will remain confidential. I just need to know... for me.
My personal views of this subject will be discussed further... eventually.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Fall
--
Just a note: Although this entry doesn’t specifically tell of my first homosexual experience (nor will I ever relate those types of details), it does discuss how I met my first boyfriend, and the spiritual experiences that relate thereto. While recounting this story to a friend, just as it is outlined here, she told me it was “too much information.” However, it is a pivotal point in my story, and the spiritual experiences contained herein MUST be recounted.
--
It wasn’t long after that experience with the church, that shift of faith, that I met Dave (name has been changed). Dave was an interesting fellow, and we became friends long before I knew he was gay (blame it on faulty gaydar if you want). When we finally discussed his sexuality, I suddenly was filled with a million questions: What was it like to be an out gay Mormon? How did you resolve the inner conflict? What did it take to come to terms with, what I considered was, breaking the law of chastity?
In counseling, I was told I needed to stop running away from my fears. Whenever I had met anyone else like Dave in the past, I immediately ran in the opposite direction. This tendency I had to run away affected my relationships with male friends, as well. I never allowed myself to get too close to someone I was attracted to, just in case. This was a behavior I was told I needed to change, so I decided to maintain my friendship with Dave. This, to me, necessitated my telling him of my own personal struggles with homosexuality.
He took the news very well, and promised to never do anything to make me uncomfortable. The joke flirting he was known for while thinking I was “straight” stopped immediately, and he did nothing but listen and answer my questions to the best of his ability. I found this to be very comforting, and also very strange. I was always taught that gay men were only after sex, and after telling Dave of my own homosexuality, I practically expected him to pressure me into more intimate situations. This was simply not the case. Dave respected my boundaries, and I respected him for that.
When I told him I had some more embarrassing questions to ask him, that I didn’t think would be appropriate to do in private because of my own temptations, he immediately suggested we go to dinner. The public ambiance of a restaurant would remove any possibility of “falling into temptation” while maintaining enough privacy that our conversation would not be overheard. I was cautious at first, because I didn’t want to feel like I was being taken on a date. We resolved that we would each pay for our own meals, take separate cars, and treat it as nothing more than two friends going out to eat, because, after all, that would be exactly what it was. We went to Panda Express so nothing would be too formal, and I finally got to ask the questions that had been weighing on my mind regarding alcohol, drugs, sex, promiscuity, and the more negative details of the gay lifestyle.
Questions led to more questions, and when dinner was over and we had been sitting in the restaurant for far too long, our conversation turned back to religion, and I thought it would be safe to invite him back to a house that I was watching for a friend so that we could continue our conversation.
As the night drew to a close I saw something in Dave’s eye that sent my head into a spiral. There was a glimmer there that told me he was starting to have feelings for me. I knew he would never act on this interest, out of respect for me, but I also knew that the situation had come that I had prepared for during the last 12 years of struggle. That fact didn’t scare me as much as knowing that I wasn’t strong enough to resist. I started telling myself that there was nothing wrong with wanting to know what it felt like to hug him, but before my train of thought could go beyond that, I excused myself and went into the bedroom, where I hit my knees in prayer.
I pleaded with my Heavenly Father. I told him that the moment had come where I would fall, and I knew I wasn’t strong enough spiritually, even after all of my preparation, to resist. The worst part was that part of me didn't want to resist. I begged God for any excuse… a telephone call, an earthquake, a fire, an angelic vision, anything to distract me or give me a reason to send Dave home.
In that moment I think I felt the spirit more strongly than I ever have in my life. I could almost make out the words, “It will be alright.”
I argued back. A spiritual revelation like that was not enough. Couldn’t I at least get a “Don’t do it!”, or “You'll go to Hell!?” Things would not be alright, I was going to fail!
The voice returned, and simply said, “I know.”
I don’t believe those two words were an endorsement, maybe not even approval, but I did learn more about agency and the lengths to which God is willing to go for my happiness. I knew that God wanted me to be happy, and that if His way wasn’t working for me, then He was willing to allow me to try my own.
I think when people say they received an answer from God telling them that it was OK to be gay, that they aren't lying. I know, from an LDS perspective, that such an answer would seem impossible. But I think, perhaps, that such a claim is simply an answer similar to mine - and what a loving God it is who gives us such range on our agency.
My resolve remained unsure as the spirit drifted slowly away. The only thing that remained was the knowledge that I was, in fact, gay, and the choice in this situation wasn't whether or not to break the laws of God, but whether or not I would allow myself to love. Did I dare allow my relationship with Dave to grow? Was it even possible for me to love? I had tried with so many women without success, so since I had never felt those feelings was it even possible? I didn't know.
But I finally got off my knees, resolved to give love a chance.
Just a note: Although this entry doesn’t specifically tell of my first homosexual experience (nor will I ever relate those types of details), it does discuss how I met my first boyfriend, and the spiritual experiences that relate thereto. While recounting this story to a friend, just as it is outlined here, she told me it was “too much information.” However, it is a pivotal point in my story, and the spiritual experiences contained herein MUST be recounted.
--
It wasn’t long after that experience with the church, that shift of faith, that I met Dave (name has been changed). Dave was an interesting fellow, and we became friends long before I knew he was gay (blame it on faulty gaydar if you want). When we finally discussed his sexuality, I suddenly was filled with a million questions: What was it like to be an out gay Mormon? How did you resolve the inner conflict? What did it take to come to terms with, what I considered was, breaking the law of chastity?
In counseling, I was told I needed to stop running away from my fears. Whenever I had met anyone else like Dave in the past, I immediately ran in the opposite direction. This tendency I had to run away affected my relationships with male friends, as well. I never allowed myself to get too close to someone I was attracted to, just in case. This was a behavior I was told I needed to change, so I decided to maintain my friendship with Dave. This, to me, necessitated my telling him of my own personal struggles with homosexuality.
He took the news very well, and promised to never do anything to make me uncomfortable. The joke flirting he was known for while thinking I was “straight” stopped immediately, and he did nothing but listen and answer my questions to the best of his ability. I found this to be very comforting, and also very strange. I was always taught that gay men were only after sex, and after telling Dave of my own homosexuality, I practically expected him to pressure me into more intimate situations. This was simply not the case. Dave respected my boundaries, and I respected him for that.
When I told him I had some more embarrassing questions to ask him, that I didn’t think would be appropriate to do in private because of my own temptations, he immediately suggested we go to dinner. The public ambiance of a restaurant would remove any possibility of “falling into temptation” while maintaining enough privacy that our conversation would not be overheard. I was cautious at first, because I didn’t want to feel like I was being taken on a date. We resolved that we would each pay for our own meals, take separate cars, and treat it as nothing more than two friends going out to eat, because, after all, that would be exactly what it was. We went to Panda Express so nothing would be too formal, and I finally got to ask the questions that had been weighing on my mind regarding alcohol, drugs, sex, promiscuity, and the more negative details of the gay lifestyle.
Questions led to more questions, and when dinner was over and we had been sitting in the restaurant for far too long, our conversation turned back to religion, and I thought it would be safe to invite him back to a house that I was watching for a friend so that we could continue our conversation.
As the night drew to a close I saw something in Dave’s eye that sent my head into a spiral. There was a glimmer there that told me he was starting to have feelings for me. I knew he would never act on this interest, out of respect for me, but I also knew that the situation had come that I had prepared for during the last 12 years of struggle. That fact didn’t scare me as much as knowing that I wasn’t strong enough to resist. I started telling myself that there was nothing wrong with wanting to know what it felt like to hug him, but before my train of thought could go beyond that, I excused myself and went into the bedroom, where I hit my knees in prayer.
I pleaded with my Heavenly Father. I told him that the moment had come where I would fall, and I knew I wasn’t strong enough spiritually, even after all of my preparation, to resist. The worst part was that part of me didn't want to resist. I begged God for any excuse… a telephone call, an earthquake, a fire, an angelic vision, anything to distract me or give me a reason to send Dave home.
In that moment I think I felt the spirit more strongly than I ever have in my life. I could almost make out the words, “It will be alright.”
I argued back. A spiritual revelation like that was not enough. Couldn’t I at least get a “Don’t do it!”, or “You'll go to Hell!?” Things would not be alright, I was going to fail!
The voice returned, and simply said, “I know.”
I don’t believe those two words were an endorsement, maybe not even approval, but I did learn more about agency and the lengths to which God is willing to go for my happiness. I knew that God wanted me to be happy, and that if His way wasn’t working for me, then He was willing to allow me to try my own.
I think when people say they received an answer from God telling them that it was OK to be gay, that they aren't lying. I know, from an LDS perspective, that such an answer would seem impossible. But I think, perhaps, that such a claim is simply an answer similar to mine - and what a loving God it is who gives us such range on our agency.
My resolve remained unsure as the spirit drifted slowly away. The only thing that remained was the knowledge that I was, in fact, gay, and the choice in this situation wasn't whether or not to break the laws of God, but whether or not I would allow myself to love. Did I dare allow my relationship with Dave to grow? Was it even possible for me to love? I had tried with so many women without success, so since I had never felt those feelings was it even possible? I didn't know.
But I finally got off my knees, resolved to give love a chance.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
A Shift of Faith
I can tell you the exact moment when I lost faith in the church’s ability to help me overcome my same gender attraction. It was the same moment that I realized they had no understanding of my struggle. Sure, I knew that Elder Oaks had stated that the causes of homosexuality were unknown. I knew that the church didn’t officially endorse marriage or reparative therapy as a solution to the “problem.” But for some reason I continued to believe that there was something I was missing, something that could be found in the church, something I wasn’t doing, or didn’t understand, that by finding, would put into perspective the grander scheme of my place in the plan of salvation. Now I leave that for God to reveal, and hope that he will do so using the church. Until then, I’ll finally listen to the choir of church leaders that I had heard for so long singing “I don’t know.”
The moment was rather simple. I was sitting in sacrament meeting in my local single’s ward during the time that the federal marriage amendment was before the senate. Around this time the church put out a letter requesting all of its members to write their senators in support of the amendment. Our high-counsel man got up to read the letter, but instead of simply reading what was put out by the church, he first attacked “gays and lesbians” as being “detrimental to society and the sacred institution of marriage.” His rant continued for about ten minutes (perhaps there was just some time left in the meeting he felt he should fill?), before finally reading the letter, adding his personal testimony to the fact that the amendment needed to pass, and sitting down.
The bishop during this time knew of my plight. He purposely avoided my eyes during the entire tirade, and did not stop the man at the pulpit. Obviously I was furious. I remember feeling my hands ball into fists, hoping no one would notice while at the same time feeling an overwhelming desire to get up and march out in protest. The only reason I didn’t was because, at this time, I wasn’t prepared to come out publicly.
To make matters worse, as the words of the closing hymn were being sung, I was struck by the incredible hypocrisy that only I seemed to notice. I looked around the congregation in awe and wonder as they sang “As I have loved you, love one another.” I got so choked up I couldn’t sing.
That night I wrote my senator asking him to vote “no” on the federal amendment to legally define marriage between one man and one woman.
The next week I had my regular appointment to see my bishop and report how I was doing. After informing him of the astonishing event I had witnessed, and that he had been apart of the week earlier, and telling him of my choice to write my senator in opposition to the amendment, I was informed my temple recommend was then in danger. I was, the bishop informed me, in violation of two of the temple recommend interview questions (paraphrased): 1. Do you sustain the leadership of the church, and 2. Do you support or affiliate yourself with any group whose practices are contrary to the doctrines of the church.
I did not lose my temple recommend that day, but was warned to repent and take heed. I left the office flabbergasted and awed that such a display of outright hatred was expressed with no repercussions. This fact caused me to distrust my bishop’s sincerity in his quest to help me. I realized that the church, with all of its understanding of both the physical and spiritual world, had no idea, or just didn’t care, what it felt like to be a full-fledged worthy member struggling with same gender attraction. There was no endorsed program to help me, and those that tried to help knew less about how to help than I did.
The moment was rather simple. I was sitting in sacrament meeting in my local single’s ward during the time that the federal marriage amendment was before the senate. Around this time the church put out a letter requesting all of its members to write their senators in support of the amendment. Our high-counsel man got up to read the letter, but instead of simply reading what was put out by the church, he first attacked “gays and lesbians” as being “detrimental to society and the sacred institution of marriage.” His rant continued for about ten minutes (perhaps there was just some time left in the meeting he felt he should fill?), before finally reading the letter, adding his personal testimony to the fact that the amendment needed to pass, and sitting down.
The bishop during this time knew of my plight. He purposely avoided my eyes during the entire tirade, and did not stop the man at the pulpit. Obviously I was furious. I remember feeling my hands ball into fists, hoping no one would notice while at the same time feeling an overwhelming desire to get up and march out in protest. The only reason I didn’t was because, at this time, I wasn’t prepared to come out publicly.
To make matters worse, as the words of the closing hymn were being sung, I was struck by the incredible hypocrisy that only I seemed to notice. I looked around the congregation in awe and wonder as they sang “As I have loved you, love one another.” I got so choked up I couldn’t sing.
That night I wrote my senator asking him to vote “no” on the federal amendment to legally define marriage between one man and one woman.
The next week I had my regular appointment to see my bishop and report how I was doing. After informing him of the astonishing event I had witnessed, and that he had been apart of the week earlier, and telling him of my choice to write my senator in opposition to the amendment, I was informed my temple recommend was then in danger. I was, the bishop informed me, in violation of two of the temple recommend interview questions (paraphrased): 1. Do you sustain the leadership of the church, and 2. Do you support or affiliate yourself with any group whose practices are contrary to the doctrines of the church.
I did not lose my temple recommend that day, but was warned to repent and take heed. I left the office flabbergasted and awed that such a display of outright hatred was expressed with no repercussions. This fact caused me to distrust my bishop’s sincerity in his quest to help me. I realized that the church, with all of its understanding of both the physical and spiritual world, had no idea, or just didn’t care, what it felt like to be a full-fledged worthy member struggling with same gender attraction. There was no endorsed program to help me, and those that tried to help knew less about how to help than I did.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
A Letter to Intolerance
I need to take a quick break from my story, and post a letter I wrote after reading some rather hate-filled comments surrounding the issue of homosexuality. If anyone would like to have an honest, open, love-filled discussion with me, no matter what side of the issue you are on, I welcome your emails: gaysaint@gmail.com
I love you all - especially those who will not show me the same courtesy.
And now, the letter:
---
Dear Intolerance,
It is with a rather heavy heart that I write to you today. I don’t think you know how much I hurt in hope that one day you will do nothing more than understand. I’ve seen you often, with your sharp claws exposed as love and gentleness fall prey in all of those whose lives you consume. There are most who have the ability to let your temper roll off them when they see you, but what about the child you infect and destroy? Will you not think of him? Is he not the seed of Godhood? Does he do no good in your eyes?
Is it not enough to know that a child such as this already must conquer fear and doubt? A war wages within the child between who he is and who you want him to be that must end in resolution within him, not within you. You have no resolution. You are the opposite of love. You are fear.
But think not of the child dear Intolerance. Destroy him instead. You think this will silence the child, but the war wages on. You know nothing of the child or the war. You were spared service in such a battle. Is it God that gives you such knowledge to win a war you’ve never had to fight?
Then pray-tell, oh Intolerance, if you are so mighty and high, what would you have the child do to silence the rebellion? Can you even tell him which side is rebelling? Do you not suppose he has already approached his Creator in hopes of angels aiding him on his quest? Do you not suppose he has not done all that you have asked of him already? Would it surprise you to know the battle continues to rage in spite of your uninformative and ill-created suggestions?
Yes. It is up to the darling child to find the enemy and destroy it. Will you not give him a quiet place where he can retreat in love and warmth to do so?
I know you were born with large claws and a disposition to use them, but when you act on such a disposition you anger the very God you claim to know, condemning us all to Hell.
---
I love you all - especially those who will not show me the same courtesy.
And now, the letter:
---
Dear Intolerance,
It is with a rather heavy heart that I write to you today. I don’t think you know how much I hurt in hope that one day you will do nothing more than understand. I’ve seen you often, with your sharp claws exposed as love and gentleness fall prey in all of those whose lives you consume. There are most who have the ability to let your temper roll off them when they see you, but what about the child you infect and destroy? Will you not think of him? Is he not the seed of Godhood? Does he do no good in your eyes?
Is it not enough to know that a child such as this already must conquer fear and doubt? A war wages within the child between who he is and who you want him to be that must end in resolution within him, not within you. You have no resolution. You are the opposite of love. You are fear.
But think not of the child dear Intolerance. Destroy him instead. You think this will silence the child, but the war wages on. You know nothing of the child or the war. You were spared service in such a battle. Is it God that gives you such knowledge to win a war you’ve never had to fight?
Then pray-tell, oh Intolerance, if you are so mighty and high, what would you have the child do to silence the rebellion? Can you even tell him which side is rebelling? Do you not suppose he has already approached his Creator in hopes of angels aiding him on his quest? Do you not suppose he has not done all that you have asked of him already? Would it surprise you to know the battle continues to rage in spite of your uninformative and ill-created suggestions?
Yes. It is up to the darling child to find the enemy and destroy it. Will you not give him a quiet place where he can retreat in love and warmth to do so?
I know you were born with large claws and a disposition to use them, but when you act on such a disposition you anger the very God you claim to know, condemning us all to Hell.
---
Monday, August 4, 2008
The Mission Years
To say my mission was the best two years of my life wouldn’t exactly be the full truth, but I did gain incredible life experiences for which I will always be grateful. The people, the culture, the language, and the friendships I made were incredible. I loved immersing myself in the scriptures in ways I never could do at home, and couldn’t believe that the doctrines of the church that I had grown up with were viewed so unconventionally in average society. For those who might be wondering, I served from 2002 to 2004 in the Texas McAllen mission. Now, just in case there is a random missionary from that timeframe that might be reading this and horrified at the possibility that I was their companion, just let me assure – I feel very blessed, even lucky, to have never been attracted to one of my companions.
That said, in relation to my homosexual feelings and desires, serving a mission was very difficult. That difficulty started in the MTC, where I was forced to shower with other men. For years I had taken myself out of situations where I would be in the presence of undressed men, and I find it slightly ironic that my first experience with a live nude body was seemingly church endorsed. I did everything I could to avoid being in the shower with other people by showering at night, at odd times, or by moving to a different bathroom where the men were, at least, less attractive. Yet the repercussions didn’t escape me, and my thoughts became very difficult to control. I also was robbed of my pornography outlet (again, I was very upfront with my priesthood leaders about this… and this was before the so-called “raising of the bar”). I found myself often seeking solace, even if it was just outside of the dormitory door for ten minutes, where I would write or read scriptures in hopes of relieving the tension.
Things did get better in the mission field, although some days were better than others. I have one companion that I have now told my whole story, and he was the most sensitive companion to my issues. One night, I had had a particularly rough day, and although this person didn’t know what I was struggling with at the time, he did notice that something was bothering me. It was probably my fists that gave it away, sometimes balled up so tightly that the knuckles literally turned white. The physical agony I felt cannot be understood by someone who has not been in a similar situation. This companion looked at me very seriously as he climbed into bed, and said, “I don’t know what is bothering you, and I know you don’t want to talk about it, but just promise me you’ll talk to the mission president if you have another day like today.”
I was so preoccupied that I hadn’t even noticed that he noticed I was preoccupied. I responded by telling him that I was ok, but he was serious about making me promise to see the mission president if I ever felt the same again. In fact, he wouldn’t let it go until I did.
A few weeks later, I was tracting (knocking on doors) with this same companion, when a young man about our age opened the door with his shirt off. As usual, my companion managed to get the man to invite us in, and proceeded to teach our first lesson. I remember the day well, but I don’t remember the discussion. My head literally swam through the whole thing, and the guilt I felt for being preoccupied over this man’s body over his soul was enough to send me spiraling back into that place where I physically hurt. Luckily it was getting late, and I was able to find enough distractions to keep myself from thinking about the man for the rest of the evening. That night, however, my companion said nothing, but gave me a look that reminded me of the promise I had made to him.
That companion told me just four months ago that he suspected I was gay, but that during those hard days he didn’t know what it was that was causing my suffering. He doesn’t remember the man without his shirt (and why should he?), nor did he put together that this man was a trigger that put me into the same place I had been in a few weeks earlier. I told this companion everything during a mission reunion just this last April. He is the only missionary I served with that currently knows me as an out, gay man, and his love and support has been a great pillar to me. Our friendship has only strengthened.
The day following the man without a shirt, I woke up in what could only be considered a depression. I made an appointment with the mission president, as per my promise, and actually had the opportunity to sit down with him that same day. I expected to be sent home, part of me wanted to be sent home, but after asking me a few questions regarding my past and present conduct, I was simply told that I would have an appointment set up in a few weeks with a traveling counselor from LDS Family Services. During the interim between the meeting with the mission president and the appointment with the counselor, my companion was transferred, and I got someone new. When it came time for my appointment, he was allowed to sit outside of the door, but he knew where we were. I kept trying to come up with an excuse as to why I needed to see someone from LDS Family Services, and this new companion of mine was not one to let the subject go easily. I never did come up with an excuse. I eventually just refused to answer his questions.
The counseling session was, to put it simply, a waste of time. The counselor made me feel like a sinner, like someone who was “lucky” to be on a mission as opposed to someone who was working my butt off every day to be there. He gave me a few scriptures to read regarding Nephi’s leaving Jerusalem, which I suppose was to be some way of telling me to leave my homosexuality behind to find “the promised land.” It really is too bad that this counselor didn’t understand that even those men who choose to live some sort of gospel-approved life with this problem, it never, ever, ever gets left behind.
My mission president called me a few days after my appointment to ask me how things went. I responded, “Just fine,” to which he asked if I would like to see the counselor again. My answer was, of course, no thank you. I think the mission president took that to mean that this one counseling session somehow had “fixed” me. Honestly, I felt even worse, but I knew that I was going to be home in a few months, and hoped that at the completion of a successful mission God would see fit to finally bless me with the ability to love a woman.
I was released honorably soon after, with the faith that the gospel and a conventional family was what awaited me.
That said, in relation to my homosexual feelings and desires, serving a mission was very difficult. That difficulty started in the MTC, where I was forced to shower with other men. For years I had taken myself out of situations where I would be in the presence of undressed men, and I find it slightly ironic that my first experience with a live nude body was seemingly church endorsed. I did everything I could to avoid being in the shower with other people by showering at night, at odd times, or by moving to a different bathroom where the men were, at least, less attractive. Yet the repercussions didn’t escape me, and my thoughts became very difficult to control. I also was robbed of my pornography outlet (again, I was very upfront with my priesthood leaders about this… and this was before the so-called “raising of the bar”). I found myself often seeking solace, even if it was just outside of the dormitory door for ten minutes, where I would write or read scriptures in hopes of relieving the tension.
Things did get better in the mission field, although some days were better than others. I have one companion that I have now told my whole story, and he was the most sensitive companion to my issues. One night, I had had a particularly rough day, and although this person didn’t know what I was struggling with at the time, he did notice that something was bothering me. It was probably my fists that gave it away, sometimes balled up so tightly that the knuckles literally turned white. The physical agony I felt cannot be understood by someone who has not been in a similar situation. This companion looked at me very seriously as he climbed into bed, and said, “I don’t know what is bothering you, and I know you don’t want to talk about it, but just promise me you’ll talk to the mission president if you have another day like today.”
I was so preoccupied that I hadn’t even noticed that he noticed I was preoccupied. I responded by telling him that I was ok, but he was serious about making me promise to see the mission president if I ever felt the same again. In fact, he wouldn’t let it go until I did.
A few weeks later, I was tracting (knocking on doors) with this same companion, when a young man about our age opened the door with his shirt off. As usual, my companion managed to get the man to invite us in, and proceeded to teach our first lesson. I remember the day well, but I don’t remember the discussion. My head literally swam through the whole thing, and the guilt I felt for being preoccupied over this man’s body over his soul was enough to send me spiraling back into that place where I physically hurt. Luckily it was getting late, and I was able to find enough distractions to keep myself from thinking about the man for the rest of the evening. That night, however, my companion said nothing, but gave me a look that reminded me of the promise I had made to him.
That companion told me just four months ago that he suspected I was gay, but that during those hard days he didn’t know what it was that was causing my suffering. He doesn’t remember the man without his shirt (and why should he?), nor did he put together that this man was a trigger that put me into the same place I had been in a few weeks earlier. I told this companion everything during a mission reunion just this last April. He is the only missionary I served with that currently knows me as an out, gay man, and his love and support has been a great pillar to me. Our friendship has only strengthened.
The day following the man without a shirt, I woke up in what could only be considered a depression. I made an appointment with the mission president, as per my promise, and actually had the opportunity to sit down with him that same day. I expected to be sent home, part of me wanted to be sent home, but after asking me a few questions regarding my past and present conduct, I was simply told that I would have an appointment set up in a few weeks with a traveling counselor from LDS Family Services. During the interim between the meeting with the mission president and the appointment with the counselor, my companion was transferred, and I got someone new. When it came time for my appointment, he was allowed to sit outside of the door, but he knew where we were. I kept trying to come up with an excuse as to why I needed to see someone from LDS Family Services, and this new companion of mine was not one to let the subject go easily. I never did come up with an excuse. I eventually just refused to answer his questions.
The counseling session was, to put it simply, a waste of time. The counselor made me feel like a sinner, like someone who was “lucky” to be on a mission as opposed to someone who was working my butt off every day to be there. He gave me a few scriptures to read regarding Nephi’s leaving Jerusalem, which I suppose was to be some way of telling me to leave my homosexuality behind to find “the promised land.” It really is too bad that this counselor didn’t understand that even those men who choose to live some sort of gospel-approved life with this problem, it never, ever, ever gets left behind.
My mission president called me a few days after my appointment to ask me how things went. I responded, “Just fine,” to which he asked if I would like to see the counselor again. My answer was, of course, no thank you. I think the mission president took that to mean that this one counseling session somehow had “fixed” me. Honestly, I felt even worse, but I knew that I was going to be home in a few months, and hoped that at the completion of a successful mission God would see fit to finally bless me with the ability to love a woman.
I was released honorably soon after, with the faith that the gospel and a conventional family was what awaited me.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
A Bit About Me...
Honestly, I started this blog simply because I wanted to have a place where I could share some rather unconventional thoughts, while at the same time, hopefully fostering love and understanding in a world that, I believe, is too full of hate and cruelty. I hear the word 'bigot' thrown around by people who should probably be looking in a mirror when they say it, the phrase 'family values' like a punishment, and 'religion' by one side like 'HIV' is by the other (who knew religion was a disease?).
If I could resolve my own feelings between the LDS church and my homosexuality, and do it in love, I feel there is no reason the world can't follow suit. I hope to provide a safe place for people on both sides of the argument to understand, grow, and embrace. I have no issue with fielding questions, as long as you don't have a problem with your question being put out on this blog. Feel free to email me at gaysaint@gmail.com
Now, to me. I'm a 25 year old professional who came out in February 2007. Before that date, I was the model Mormon boy. I got all A's in seminary, fell in love with the scriptures, and served a mission. Secretly, I struggled with the inability to resolve two halves of myself that seemed doomed to eternal conflict. One day, I would hate the gay half of myself; the next, the spiritual side. Eventually, however, I learned how to unite myself, how to become a whole person.
These blogs may be sporadic at first, but I hope to eventually get a consistent schedule. Please join me in learning, in accepting, and in loving.
If I could resolve my own feelings between the LDS church and my homosexuality, and do it in love, I feel there is no reason the world can't follow suit. I hope to provide a safe place for people on both sides of the argument to understand, grow, and embrace. I have no issue with fielding questions, as long as you don't have a problem with your question being put out on this blog. Feel free to email me at gaysaint@gmail.com
Now, to me. I'm a 25 year old professional who came out in February 2007. Before that date, I was the model Mormon boy. I got all A's in seminary, fell in love with the scriptures, and served a mission. Secretly, I struggled with the inability to resolve two halves of myself that seemed doomed to eternal conflict. One day, I would hate the gay half of myself; the next, the spiritual side. Eventually, however, I learned how to unite myself, how to become a whole person.
These blogs may be sporadic at first, but I hope to eventually get a consistent schedule. Please join me in learning, in accepting, and in loving.
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