Attraction

Before I came out, I had a very hard time admitting that I was gay. Even when I knew that I was, I knew what it was, and even admitted to myself that, yes, I like men, I still hated using the word. I remember once when I told my mom “I’m not gay because gay people have sex with other men;” she told me how proud of me she was because I felt that way. Now, I’m very grateful to be able to self-identify with that term, and realize it has a whole slew of meanings.

So I find it a bit strange that during this time of my life, I also had issues with the church’s preferred PC term “same-gender attraction.” It wasn’t until I was recently forced to think about this term that I realized why I detest it so.

Strangely enough, I was on an LDS forum that I frequent, when I ran across a forum posting about love. It had nothing at all to do with homosexuality, but a member of the church asked the question “How long do you think it takes to fall in love.”

Of course, various answers ensued, and there was a little bit of bickering about what love really is. Finally, someone posted this, which I found absolutely true and beautiful (and which I had to clean up for grammar and spelling, hehe): "I ... believe that love is a choice, not a feeling. And the amazing thing is, when you make a choice to love then your feelings swell within you anyway, so the feelings are sort of like a sign of the love, but [they aren't] the love."

Bingo. Yup, in a sense, being gay is a choice. Of course, when I say that I mean that allowing yourself to love the person that you are attracted to is a choice.

But even attraction doesn’t sum up what being gay is or means. That component of love, that choice that results in a feeling, is a binding power. It supersedes attraction and it supersedes sex. To reduce all that love is to a simple “attraction” demeans it as much as it would to reduce it to “sex.”

And that is why I hate using “same-gender attraction.”

I have said it many times, but the choice is not whether or not to be gay, it is whether or not to allow yourself to love. Since feeling, attraction, sex, and everything else that goes along with love are part of that choice, I can understand how someone on the outside would think that a choice to be gay is a choice to have sex. It is also a choice to feel. It is also a choice to be. It is also a choice to acknowledge attractions. It is a choice to stop running.

I am gay; and that has everything and nothing to do with sex, it has everything and nothing to do with attraction, but most importantly, it has everything to do with love.

The End of the Story

I would like to finish my “life story” so that I can get on to discussing more important issues (which I have already taken a pause to do more than once, sorry about that), and focus on individual experiences that affect how I live my life. I think I can finish this story rather quickly; after a few months alone, I met the fantastic man with whom I now share my life.

Honestly, our relationship progressed faster than I expected it to. I told him when we first met that I didn’t want to rush into a relationship, and that I was having fun just dating and being unattached. But the fact that we spent almost every day together negated that thought process rather quickly, and after just a few weeks we decided we would like to be exclusive. We celebrated the one year anniversary of that decision September 12, 2008. I have never felt so in sync with someone in all of my life. I have never been so happy to wake up or to come home from work. I have never been so in love.

My feelings are so completely wrapped up in this person that I can’t imagine my life without him. I never thought I would be able to say that about another human being. I have no desire for anyone, or anything else. He has become a closer member of my family than any other family member I have known or had.

In counseling I was told that if I “fulfilled” my desires for another man, that I would suddenly be confronted by a bottomless pit, always looking for the next best thing, and would never be satisfied or quenched in my lust. I have found that to be an outright lie. Never have I been so fulfilled. Never have I thought that there was something better. I imagine that the way I feel now is the same way many of you reading this have felt about your spouse or partner.

Of course, I say this is the end of my story, because I have brought you up to present day – but the fact remains – my life with this man is really just beginning. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but my conviction to him is stronger than ever, and I know he feels the same way about me. I feel truly blessed – yes, by God, – to have him in my life.

Although I am plagued by certain fears and uncertainties, just as any other couple, I am sure our relationship is enduring. No matter the challenge, I know that if we stay by each others' side and make decisions together, we will get through anything.

I have often pondered how it could be that the Lord could be responsible for our relationship, considering the LDS church’s stand on the subject. When I have considered this, both personally and in prayer, I have been reminded of an experience I had on my mission.

While serving in Weslaco, Texas, I had the pleasure of meeting the son of a man who served on a team that was responsible for the translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls. This man read both Hebrew and Greek, and was a great scriptorian. He started this experience by telling us that the Greek language has a flow, almost like poetry, so when it is cut - as in scriptural translation or change - a change in flow can usually be detected.

He then had us read what would become one of my favorite passages of scripture:

Mark 8:22-25

“22 And he cometh to Bethsaida; and they bring a blind man unto him, and besought him to touch him.
23 And he took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought.
24 And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees, walking.
25 After that he put his hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up: and he was restored, and saw every man clearly.”

This translator then assured us that in the Greek scriptures, the flow was uninterrupted, and to his knowledge and ability, the translation was correct. He then asked us why the blind man was not initially healed.

We, as missionaries, responded it was because of a lack of faith.

The translator then shook his head and said, “Every time Christ healed someone, he asked them if they had faith in Him. Do you honestly believe he would not ask this man the same question – although it might not be documented?”

We said that we weren’t sure. The translator then asked, “And if he didn’t have the faith, how was it that he was healed in the end. Did Christ mess up? Is that why the man wasn’t completely healed on the first attempt? Obviously he could see slightly, but the people the man could see looked like 'tree walking' or, blurred shadows.”

We responded that of course Christ wouldn’t have made a mistake, but we were unable to come up with a reason as to why the Savior would only partially heal the man.

The translator, after many frustrated attempts to help us attain the correct answer, told us, “In verse 22, who was it that brought the man to Christ?”

We responded it was the apostles.

He continued, “So they were with Him during the healing. I think Christ was teaching his apostles in this moment. In just a few verses down, Christ asks the apostles who they think he is, his plan, and the fact that he would be sacrificed for their sins, but the did not understand. These were the apostles of Christ! And they didn’t understand his gospel clearly. They, in fact, still saw the gospel as ‘trees walking.’ Christ was teaching his apostles by example, and acknowledging that they did not understand his gospel clearly.”

I remember feeling the spirit confirm to me that this was true, and I wondered myself, how much of the gospel I still saw unclearly. If Christ’s own apostles were unable to clearly see, even in the presence of the Master, how blind must I - as a 20 year old missionary- still be?

This passage of scripture gives me the simple understanding that there are things that I, this world, the church, apostles, prophets, and angels still see as “trees walking.” I believe the issues of homosexual attraction, love, expression, and tolerance are just a few of the items of which we still don’t have a clear picture. I don’t know if, like the apostles in relation to the Savior’s sacrifice, this is because we simply don’t understand all of the information that the Savior is telling us, or if we just don’t have all of the information because of the Godhead's choice to withhold such revelation from the church at this current time. What I do know, is that one day, the Savior will place his hands on my eyes, and open my understanding. I don’t know what the result of this “healing” will be. It might be a way for the man that I love and me to be together forever. It might be a greater understanding that will give us the desire to live separate lives. For certain, however, it will be a decision made with clear vision.

I cannot wait to see perfectly. Until then, I’ll be happy with the vision I have been given. I might still see aspects of the gospel as trees walking, but at least I’m not blind.

The Fall

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Just a note: Although this entry doesn’t specifically tell of my first homosexual experience (nor will I ever relate those types of details), it does discuss how I met my first boyfriend, and the spiritual experiences that relate thereto. While recounting this story to a friend, just as it is outlined here, she told me it was “too much information.” However, it is a pivotal point in my story, and the spiritual experiences contained herein MUST be recounted.
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It wasn’t long after that experience with the church, that shift of faith, that I met Dave (name has been changed). Dave was an interesting fellow, and we became friends long before I knew he was gay (blame it on faulty gaydar if you want). When we finally discussed his sexuality, I suddenly was filled with a million questions: What was it like to be an out gay Mormon? How did you resolve the inner conflict? What did it take to come to terms with, what I considered was, breaking the law of chastity?

In counseling, I was told I needed to stop running away from my fears. Whenever I had met anyone else like Dave in the past, I immediately ran in the opposite direction. This tendency I had to run away affected my relationships with male friends, as well. I never allowed myself to get too close to someone I was attracted to, just in case. This was a behavior I was told I needed to change, so I decided to maintain my friendship with Dave. This, to me, necessitated my telling him of my own personal struggles with homosexuality.

He took the news very well, and promised to never do anything to make me uncomfortable. The joke flirting he was known for while thinking I was “straight” stopped immediately, and he did nothing but listen and answer my questions to the best of his ability. I found this to be very comforting, and also very strange. I was always taught that gay men were only after sex, and after telling Dave of my own homosexuality, I practically expected him to pressure me into more intimate situations. This was simply not the case. Dave respected my boundaries, and I respected him for that.

When I told him I had some more embarrassing questions to ask him, that I didn’t think would be appropriate to do in private because of my own temptations, he immediately suggested we go to dinner. The public ambiance of a restaurant would remove any possibility of “falling into temptation” while maintaining enough privacy that our conversation would not be overheard. I was cautious at first, because I didn’t want to feel like I was being taken on a date. We resolved that we would each pay for our own meals, take separate cars, and treat it as nothing more than two friends going out to eat, because, after all, that would be exactly what it was. We went to Panda Express so nothing would be too formal, and I finally got to ask the questions that had been weighing on my mind regarding alcohol, drugs, sex, promiscuity, and the more negative details of the gay lifestyle.

Questions led to more questions, and when dinner was over and we had been sitting in the restaurant for far too long, our conversation turned back to religion, and I thought it would be safe to invite him back to a house that I was watching for a friend so that we could continue our conversation.

As the night drew to a close I saw something in Dave’s eye that sent my head into a spiral. There was a glimmer there that told me he was starting to have feelings for me. I knew he would never act on this interest, out of respect for me, but I also knew that the situation had come that I had prepared for during the last 12 years of struggle. That fact didn’t scare me as much as knowing that I wasn’t strong enough to resist. I started telling myself that there was nothing wrong with wanting to know what it felt like to hug him, but before my train of thought could go beyond that, I excused myself and went into the bedroom, where I hit my knees in prayer.

I pleaded with my Heavenly Father. I told him that the moment had come where I would fall, and I knew I wasn’t strong enough spiritually, even after all of my preparation, to resist. The worst part was that part of me didn't want to resist. I begged God for any excuse… a telephone call, an earthquake, a fire, an angelic vision, anything to distract me or give me a reason to send Dave home.

In that moment I think I felt the spirit more strongly than I ever have in my life. I could almost make out the words, “It will be alright.”

I argued back. A spiritual revelation like that was not enough. Couldn’t I at least get a “Don’t do it!”, or “You'll go to Hell!?” Things would not be alright, I was going to fail!

The voice returned, and simply said, “I know.”

I don’t believe those two words were an endorsement, maybe not even approval, but I did learn more about agency and the lengths to which God is willing to go for my happiness. I knew that God wanted me to be happy, and that if His way wasn’t working for me, then He was willing to allow me to try my own.

I think when people say they received an answer from God telling them that it was OK to be gay, that they aren't lying. I know, from an LDS perspective, that such an answer would seem impossible. But I think, perhaps, that such a claim is simply an answer similar to mine - and what a loving God it is who gives us such range on our agency.

My resolve remained unsure as the spirit drifted slowly away. The only thing that remained was the knowledge that I was, in fact, gay, and the choice in this situation wasn't whether or not to break the laws of God, but whether or not I would allow myself to love. Did I dare allow my relationship with Dave to grow? Was it even possible for me to love? I had tried with so many women without success, so since I had never felt those feelings was it even possible? I didn't know.

But I finally got off my knees, resolved to give love a chance.

A Shift of Faith

I can tell you the exact moment when I lost faith in the church’s ability to help me overcome my same gender attraction. It was the same moment that I realized they had no understanding of my struggle. Sure, I knew that Elder Oaks had stated that the causes of homosexuality were unknown. I knew that the church didn’t officially endorse marriage or reparative therapy as a solution to the “problem.” But for some reason I continued to believe that there was something I was missing, something that could be found in the church, something I wasn’t doing, or didn’t understand, that by finding, would put into perspective the grander scheme of my place in the plan of salvation. Now I leave that for God to reveal, and hope that he will do so using the church. Until then, I’ll finally listen to the choir of church leaders that I had heard for so long singing “I don’t know.”

The moment was rather simple. I was sitting in sacrament meeting in my local single’s ward during the time that the federal marriage amendment was before the senate. Around this time the church put out a letter requesting all of its members to write their senators in support of the amendment. Our high-counsel man got up to read the letter, but instead of simply reading what was put out by the church, he first attacked “gays and lesbians” as being “detrimental to society and the sacred institution of marriage.” His rant continued for about ten minutes (perhaps there was just some time left in the meeting he felt he should fill?), before finally reading the letter, adding his personal testimony to the fact that the amendment needed to pass, and sitting down.

The bishop during this time knew of my plight. He purposely avoided my eyes during the entire tirade, and did not stop the man at the pulpit. Obviously I was furious. I remember feeling my hands ball into fists, hoping no one would notice while at the same time feeling an overwhelming desire to get up and march out in protest. The only reason I didn’t was because, at this time, I wasn’t prepared to come out publicly.

To make matters worse, as the words of the closing hymn were being sung, I was struck by the incredible hypocrisy that only I seemed to notice. I looked around the congregation in awe and wonder as they sang “As I have loved you, love one another.” I got so choked up I couldn’t sing.

That night I wrote my senator asking him to vote “no” on the federal amendment to legally define marriage between one man and one woman.

The next week I had my regular appointment to see my bishop and report how I was doing. After informing him of the astonishing event I had witnessed, and that he had been apart of the week earlier, and telling him of my choice to write my senator in opposition to the amendment, I was informed my temple recommend was then in danger. I was, the bishop informed me, in violation of two of the temple recommend interview questions (paraphrased): 1. Do you sustain the leadership of the church, and 2. Do you support or affiliate yourself with any group whose practices are contrary to the doctrines of the church.

I did not lose my temple recommend that day, but was warned to repent and take heed. I left the office flabbergasted and awed that such a display of outright hatred was expressed with no repercussions. This fact caused me to distrust my bishop’s sincerity in his quest to help me. I realized that the church, with all of its understanding of both the physical and spiritual world, had no idea, or just didn’t care, what it felt like to be a full-fledged worthy member struggling with same gender attraction. There was no endorsed program to help me, and those that tried to help knew less about how to help than I did.