Getting Answers to Prayers

Ever since I was twelve years old I have had not only a desire, but a need to call on my Heavenly Father in prayer. There were many points of the gospel that I didn’t understand – many things that I was experiencing that didn’t seem to fit – and even more things I needed to resolve, specifically in regards to homosexuality. Because of this, I had a heavy reliance on prayer and on my personal relationship with God.

While serving a mission, I remember having an experience where a companion asked me something along the line of “You always get answers to your prayers, don’t you?” I responded, “Of course. Don’t you?”

His response was odd, “Well, I know the Lord answers prayers, but there are many times when I feel I don’t get an answer.”

In my time since, I have realized that this is a rather common problem for members of the church (in fact, ANY church). The more I thought about it, the more I realized that there were some prayers that seemed like I wasn’t getting answers, but usually the answer was that I was asking the wrong question.

So in an effort to help my companion, I scoured the scriptures in hopes of discovering my pattern, the method I used to find answers to prayers. It wasn’t long before I identified with the brother of Jared in Ether, chapters 2 and 3 of the Book of Mormon– so, if any of you would like to look at a few chapters with me with the goal of getting answers to prayers in mind, I would love to share what has worked for me.

Let’s start in Ether chapter 2. Here, as we know, is where the brother of Jared is commanded to build the barges. The first thing we need to know is that he went and built the barges. I think that is the first step to getting answers to our prayers – we have to have proved to the Lord that we will follow what he tells us when we do get an answer. If the Lord doesn’t think we will do what he says, why would he tell us what to do?

I have a mission experience to illustrate this point. One day my companion and I both received a heavy impression to knock every door of a certain apartment complex. After four hours of straight tracting, missing dinner to do so, and not teaching a single discussion, we were about to leave. We got the prompting again, to knock the doors again. So, we bothered many people twice, and got a few more doors answered from people who weren’t home the first time. Still, not a single teaching appointment. After our second time through the apartment, and almost 6 hours of tracting this ONE apartment complex, we resolved that we were to leave.

On our way home, I asked my companion, “Hey, I’m upset by this. Why would we feel like knocking those doors was so important, only to have no success?”

My companion at the time, who is much wiser than I, answered, “Because the Lord wanted to make sure we were listening, and would obey. These last 6 hours would probably have been a waste anyway, so the Lord used the time to strengthen our ability to listen, so that when he needs us, he will know he can count on us.”

Sure enough, on the way home we passed an oil field, and a small trailer house guarded the entrance. We felt prompted to knock on the door, which looked less like a residence and more like a company vehicle. It turned out than an inactive member lived there with her husband. They were away from their own home on business with the oil company. It wasn’t long before they were reactivated, and asking us whether they could get General Conference on their satellite:

“And it came to pass that the brother of Jared cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, I have performed the work which thou hast commanded me, and I have made the barges according as thou hast directed me” (Ether 2:18).

Step one: When you get an answer, prove to the Lord you are worthy of getting the next one.

In verse 19, the brother of Jared asks the Lord two questions: “And behold, O Lord, in them there is no light; whither shall we steer? And also we shall perish, for in them we cannot breathe, save it is the air which is in them; therefore we shall perish.”

And in verse 20, the Lord answers one of them: “Behold, thou shalt make a hole in the top, and also in the bottom; and when thou shalt suffer for air thou shalt unstop the hole and receive air. And if it be so that the water come in upon thee, behold, ye shall stop the hole, that ye may not perish in the flood.”

Sometimes this is how the Lord answers our prayers, by simply providing us with the solution. I think, however, this is the rarest type of answer, and will usually only happen when we are unable to come up with a solution ourselves.

Step two: Recognize that while the Lord can and sometimes does give us the answer directly, this is usually going to be a rare occurrence.

Let’s note that in verse 21, the brother of Jared does what the Lord commands, which leads us back to step one.

But the Jadedites still had a problem. Would the Lord really suffer them to cross the waters in the dark? This is the exact question that the brother of Jared returns and proposes to the Lord, and I absolutely LOVE the Lord’s answer. From verse 23: “What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels?”

What a fantastic opportunity the Lord has given the brother of Jared (and how often does He give it to us?). How often do we interpret the Lord asking us “What do you think?” as not getting an answer?

In my mind, the rest of the verse isn’t exactly a quote from the Lord, but more like banter between God and the brother of Jared:

Brother of Jared – “Can I have windows?”
Lord – “Are you kidding me? They’ll get smashed!”
Brother of Jared – “Can I have fire?”
Lord – “Only if you want to kill yourself. (And in verse 24) You do realize you’ll be buried in the depths of the sea and with the wind and everything I’m going to have to provide to take you to the Promised Land, there are going to be giant waves that are going to make the ride a bit bumpy, right? (Verse 25) So, with these things in mind, what other ideas do you have?”

Step three: Recognize that more often than not, the Lord will expect you to bring Him an answer to see if it is the right one, not the question for Him to answer directly.

I think it is also interesting to note that the questions the brother of Jared would have brought the Lord at this point were yes/no questions “Can we have windows?” “Can we have fire?” I think there is a reason for this: I think yes/no questions are the easiest ones to get answered. If you feel the spirit confirm to you that your solution is correct, then the answer is yes. If you don’t, then no. It doesn’t get much easier than that.

Step Four: If you doubt your ability to receive a complex answer, or the Lord isn’t answering something that is complex, rephrase the question so that the answer is a simple yes or no.

Now, on to chapter three.

We’ve all read the story, so we know what happens. The brother of Jared does something I doubt many people would have thought of; in fact, I have to wonder if his solution wasn’t somewhat inspired. This man goes to the side of the freakin’ mountain, and carves out sixteen clear stones.

What is interesting about this? First, the brother of Jared is obviously a good craftsman. He uses his talents to resolve the problem, even if it is a little “unconventional.”

With his creative solution in hand, the brother of Jared takes his thoughts to the Lord. Let’s read those scriptures, because they are so incredibly amazing:

“2 O Lord, thou hast said that we must be encompassed about by the floods. Now behold, O Lord, and do not be aangry with thy servant because of his weakness before thee; for we know that thou art holy and dwellest in the heavens, and that we are bunworthy before thee; because of the cfall our dnatures have become evil continually; nevertheless, O Lord, thou hast given us a commandment that we must call upon thee, that from thee we may receive according to our desires.
3 Behold, O Lord, thou hast smitten us because of our iniquity, and hast driven us forth, and for these many years we have been in the wilderness; nevertheless, thou hast been amerciful unto us. O Lord, look upon me in pity, and turn away thine anger from this thy people, and suffer not that they shall go forth across this raging deep in darkness; but behold these bthings which I have molten out of the rock.
4 And I know, O Lord, that thou hast all apower, and can do whatsoever thou wilt for the benefit of man; therefore touch these stones, O Lord, with thy bfinger, and prepare them that they may shine forth in darkness; and they shall shine forth unto us in the vessels which we have prepared, that we may have clight while we shall cross the sea.
5 Behold, O Lord, thou canst do this. We know that thou art able to show forth great power, which alooks small unto the understanding of men.”

I love how humble these scriptures are. I love the brother of Jared’s faith.

As a reward, not only does the brother of Jared see the finger of God, but later has a vision in which he sees the coming Christ – thousands of years before his birth.

Step five: Use your talents, and be creative as you seek answers. Think outside of the box. Your faith in the Lord will be rewarded as you seek Him, even if that means seeking him in what other people would term "unconventional ways."

It is my hope that no matter where we are in our journey in life, that we will cultivate the kind of relationship with our Heavenly Father that is as strong as the relationship between earthly fathers and children. The only way we can know Him intimately is through conversing with Him.

May we all take a little extra time to listen – because He has some amazing things to tell us.

Folk Dancing Made Me Gay

My first year in college I was on the institute’s folk dance team at Weber State University. Last night while lying in bed, for some unknown reason, I recalled visions of my last performance before leaving for my mission. Those were some strange times – the moving out of my house and for the first time living on my own in the dorms, the figuring out who I was and what my attractions meant, the first time I got hit on by another guy, the costume changes in the locker room during that last performance.

But then I thought of something jolted me out of my almost sleep. I was recalling all of the people I had met, trying to remember the names and the faces, when suddenly I remembered two individuals – one whose name was Josh, whose face I can’t remember, and another whose name I can’t recall but whose face is rather vivid. While lying in bed I remembered a moment in the locker room where these two men smiled at me while we were all changing, and told me that I did a good job.

They were seniors, and I was a freshman. This compliment, given while in nothing but our garments, meant a lot to me, and I had almost totally forgotten about it.

But what woke me up was that in that dream-like state I connected that compliment to something my counselor said to me while I was in a reparative therapy program – that as gay men we seek approval from other men, and that if we form strong friendships and get that approval in “non-sexual ways” we could control our attractions to the point of sending them into oblivion, or at the very least, learn how to manage them.

And I wondered if there was some truth to that, recalling how I felt when these two men complimented me.

I was awake for the next little while thinking about that, and I’ve come to the following conclusion: Yes, we as gay men DO seek the approval of other men, but I don’t think that lack of approval from men is a cause of being gay, but rather as gay men we just seek such approval more voraciously.

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

Sometimes I think the church, counselors, and others like to put the “causes of homosexuality” into a little box. How many times have we heard that homosexuality is caused by an overbearing mother, a distant father, and the inability to connect with other men - or an inferiority complex when it comes to “manly things” at puberty, or an unnatural desire to be a different kind of man than we are, which then leads to sexualization of those characteristics. How about the inability to make male friends? Blah blah blah.

I guess I fit into some of that mold. My mother is and has always been rather strict. My dad was in the military when I was young and was constantly away. My mom did a good job of keeping us entertained so we wouldn’t miss him though. Still, I always knew he loved me, and we spent some quality time together.

But I never had any trouble making male friends. I had four very close male friends all through junior high and high school, and many others who weren’t as close. I never lacked male companionship, and had all the usual “boy” experiences (the friend who found his dads porn stash, the friend who was into hardcore sports, the friend who had an amazing testimony of the church, and the best friend who has always been right by my side). I was into “boy” things, starting with Link-in logs and tinker toys, moving on to robotics, engineering, science, math. I never dealt with a lack of approval from my male friends.

So why did the approval of these two senior dancers mean so much to me?

Let me summarize: They were two senior men, rather attractive, in their underwear, complimenting the little freshman gay boy. Is it really hard to understand?

All men like to be recognized by beautiful people. I’m sure if a beautiful woman in a bikini complimented a straight guy no one would analyze why that compliment meant something to him, so why should gay men get preoccupied or feel badly about being happy when another good–looking man builds our self-esteem?

I’m not sure if this midnight epiphany means much other than to remind me of how I’m still conditioned to think like a good little LDS boy in therapy, but I’m glad I was able to think my way through this one, and come to a conclusion other than “my therapist was right, I’m gay because I seek out the approval of other men.” In fact, I appreciate the approval of other men because I’m gay, just like a straight person would appreciate the approval of members of the opposite sex because they are straight.

So pretty much I stayed awake for nothing...

The DOMA repeal

Can I just say that when I first read this breaking story, I thought it was a joke.

I cannot tell you all how elated I am to discover it wasn't.

And I’m having WAY too much fun on the KSL.com comment boards ;)

Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin

I hear a lot of religious people use the quote “Love the sinner, hate the sin” when referring to homosexuality. Did you know that this phrase was not coined by any Christian? It is not found in the Bible, or any book used by the LDS church. It was Mahatma Gandhi who actually coined the phrase – but it has been adopted as the Christian homosexuality theme.

A while ago, someone who I consider an “online friend” commented on a Salt Lake Tribune story that was related to homosexuality in the LDS church. She stated the following:

“To 'love the sinner and hate the sin' is a clever use of misdirection. It allows the speaker to judge others while calling himself/herself virtuous.”


This got me thinking a lot about a phrase I myself have championed in the past. I wondered what it might look like if someone really did love the sinner, while hating the sin.

If I turn to examples of Christ in the scriptures, I can think of three in particular where this catch-phrase could apply. The first is the woman caught in adultery; a common example throw into the face of homosexuals by anti-homosexuality Christians as an illustration as to how they think God would treat us. The second is the thief on the cross. The third is the man who lacked faith that Christ could heal his child – a story that coined a catch-phrase of its own: “Help thou my unbelief.”

I don’t think anyone would deny that Christ loved these three people. He defended the woman caught in adultery, proving to all her accusers that her sins were no worse than their own. I would imagine such a touching display from a man such as Jesus would change her life in unexpected and profound ways. Christ’s admonition to “Go and sin no more” came with no threats or condemnation, even though he, himself, as a perfect man – and I think a lot of people think that is the most important part of the story.

I disagree.

While studying this story while a missionary and after, I was always impressed by the fact that Christ writes on the ground just after the woman’s accusers ask him what should be done to her. Studying this one specific point of the story led me to only one small piece of information – that writing as such was a way in which Christ was showing distain or disrespect for the accusers… sort of a Jewish way of blatantly ignoring someone. I believe it is the words that follow that are the point of the story – “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”

I do not believe it is possible for imperfect, sinful people to love the sinner while hating the sin. To find out why, we need to go to the next story.

On the cross, a thief looks to Christ and says “Lord, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” Christ’s response was, “Today, thou shalt be with me in Paradise.”
There is much speculation as to what Christ meant by “paradise.” Did he mean heaven, or just the paradise that is in the spirit world? Either way, Christ was able to look past the faults of this man to recognize his faith in the atonement. Christians literally believe that the thief’s petition in faith alone saved him.

Is it easy for us to love this thief while hating his sins because Christ had already forgiven him? What about the other man being crucified with Christ? Do we love him the same, regardless of what he did to earn his spot on the cross?


In my final example, we have a man without faith, who petitions Christ on behalf of his child. Does Christ sometimes reward someone’s faith before even they, themselves have it? Do Christian people love this faithless man in light of and, perhaps because of, his sins?


I very rarely see such love in today’s Christian world when it comes to the subject of homosexuality. Many of those who profess such love show exactly the opposite by their actions.


If you believe homosexual behavior is a sin…


You cannot love a homosexual unless you love those who are celibate, those who marry members of the opposite sex, and those who are in homosexual relationships alike.

You cannot love a homosexual if you are so preoccupied with the “sin of homosexuality” that you overlook the fact that the person is a child of God.

You cannot love a homosexual if you condemn them to Hell, judging a group without taking an individual account of its members.

You cannot love a homosexual if you kick them out of your churches and drive them away from Christ.

You cannot love a homosexual if you refuse to understand how they feel, or why they make the choices they do.

You cannot love a homosexual if you compare them to people who victimize children, adults, or animals.

You cannot love a homosexual if you compare them to people who commit crimes.

You cannot love a homosexual if you are so polarized over the issue that the subject of homosexuality is taboo.

You cannot love a homosexual if you believe homosexuals are the ones defining themselves solely on their sexual behavior.

You cannot love a homosexual if you remain silent while fear and mistrust is seeded, and lies regarding homosexuality are forwarded and encouraged.

You cannot love a homosexual if you believe salvation is contingent upon the impossible change of attractions.

You cannot love a homosexual if you do not understand why the word “impossible” was in the last sentence.

You cannot love a homosexual if you do not realize that Christ alone can effect change, and realize that there as simply times where change is not in his plan.

You cannot love a homosexual until you are willing to invite one who is promiscuous, drug and alcohol addicted, unbelieving, feminine, and well-dressed, to sit next to you in a worship service.

You cannot love a homosexual until you have a prayer in your heart that the spirit of Christ will touch him or her, and are willing to accept that when that spirit of Christ does, it will confirm to him or her that they are the way God created them.

You cannot love a homosexual until you are willing to watch destructive behaviors be erased by the love and light of Christ, and willing to accept that when that happens that person will be your equal as a gay Christian.

You cannot love a homosexual until you realize that the atonement of Christ will cover his sins just as they will cover yours, and until you see your own sins as equally deserving of Hell-fire as his.

Then you can start to love a homosexual.

Backwards

Whoa… it’s been a crazy couple of weeks. Remember that awesome doctor experience I had, the phsycial I found to be just a little TOO entertaining (if not, let me see if I can remind you: “Blow blow blow!” … or scroll down two posts)? Well, a few days after that I got a call from the doctor, who told me they found a right paratracheal mass on my chest x-ray. At first simply thought “Ok, so what?” but the doctor must have noticed my reluctance to acknowledge what she was trying to tell me, so she eventually said something like this: “No, you don’t understand. If this mass is actually attached to your trachea, there is an 80% chance that this is malignant.”

Ok. Message received.

That night was the dress rehearsal for my local figure skating club’s spring ice show. I missed all of my jumps, and after the club was sure my music would play through on the master CD they had created, I quietly excused myself, pretty much missing all of my students skate. On the way out I asked a friend, “How do you tell the person you love the most that there is an 80% chance you have cancer?” It didn’t take her long to figure out that my question wasn’t rhetorical.

I called my regular doctor and set up an appointment, as the doctor who FOUND the paratracheal mass as just there to clear me for the job I’m applying for. She couldn’t schedule the CT for me. Now my doctor is a pretty cool guy (very gay friendly - I think even gay himself… if anyone wants a referral, ha! But the office is a little scary, and the décor is stuck in the 1970’s. Still, well worth it), and he spent over an hour with me walking me through all the possibilities (what doctor does that?!). He wasn’t sure he was worried once he saw the chest x-ray, but he also admitted that he wasn’t a radiologist, and suggested we proceed with the recommended CT.

After much worrying, and trying to keep a positive attitude, I scheduled a CT scan (which my great insurance won’t cover. But I figured 2500 dollars was worth it for the peace of mind of knowing).

I had my CT done at Saint Mark’s hospital. I arrived at 7 in the morning, and was the first one in the radiology waiting room. I don’t know if the hospital is very efficient, or if it was because I was the first one there, but they were very very quick at getting me in and out. Now, if you’ve never had the opportunity to be shot up with Iodine, I highly recommend it! As the iodine went through my body I got all warm and tingly – like taking a Tequila shot without the nasty taste – haha.

I’m pretty sure I was glowing that night, after all the radiation those dang machines emit. My doctor doesn’t work Mondays, and I had the CT on a Thursday, so they told me I would have to wait until Tuesday for my results.

Tuesday came and went, with nothing. I called them that night but only got an answering machine.

I called twice on Wedensday, and finally just after 5pm, I got a call from the doctor.

Turns out, I’m just weird. I have what the radiologist at St. Mark’s called a “normal variation.” Turns out my aorta instead of curving to the left, curves to the right and travels down the RIGHT side of my chest.

So feel free to breathe a collective sigh of relief for me. I should have no effects from such a backward heart construction =) . Of course, I’ll probably get some sort of tumor in a few years related to the CT radiation – haha.

Strangely, when I told the people who were as anxiously waiting my results, one, who has a gay brother, mentioned that he too, had this condition.

Which made me wonder if there has ever been a study done linking a right-axis heart to homosexuality. How strange that the organ associated with love would be backward in two homosexual men.

So how about it fellow gays – do any of you happen to know if you have a right-axis heart? Anyone know of a straight man that does? Just curious ;)

To the Parents

Every now and again I like to troll advice columns. Ok... I'm an advice column junkie. Miss Manners, Prudie, and Cary Tennis (from Salon.com) are my favorite.

A few months ago I was reading old Cary Tennis advice columns, and ran across one that I found very profound. It was in response to a father who caught his 13 year old son looking at gay porn. I was surprised to find myself feeling very much like the person Cary describes in his response, and have to appreciate that, as a straight man, Cary gets it. His letter to this father is reprinted below:

“To paraphrase a Frank Zappa song from the 1960s, I'm not gay but there's a whole lot of times I wish I could say I wasn't straight! I mean, we straight people have to really step up on this whole homosexuality thing. We walk around like we're the normal ones and everybody else is, like, different. But just think about it. Like, on a gut level, remember when you were 13? It was weird, right? Getting hair, and having urges, and wondering about girls and jobs and the future, and wondering, wondering, wondering. Can you imagine what it's like for a kid as these natural processes, spiritual and biological and utterly beyond his control, are taking him on a strange ride that he didn't really buy a ticket to but he's on anyway, as he's trying to grow up and conform and figure out what he supposed to be doing, what it's like for him to realize that the way he's developing, just, by the way, is utterly freaking out the adults, so they're having conferences in the kitchen and they're looking at him funny and not believing what he says, and now he's lying about what he's looking at because he has no idea what's going to happen to him if it turns out, horror of horrors, that he might actually be gay, that it's a scary, weird problem that he has to hide from others, especially those in his own family? Can you imagine what that's like? Can I? And we straights wonder why gay guys sometimes wait until their 20s or 30s or 40s to come out to their families? Or never come out? Or prefer not to mention it or make it a topic of national discussion or get a little testy when we assume that in our latterly discovered enlightenment we will treat every gay guy as regional spokesman for, like, Gay America, and we bring up the gayness of others as if we were the ones who, naturally, because we are so wise in other areas such as the conduct of foreign policy and stewardship of the environment, will take it upon ourselves to decide for them how they ought to act and what they are entitled to and whether they can live together and get married and visit each other in the hospital? And whether what they do and who they do it with is a sin? As if we could speak not only for the powerful white Christian heterosexual majority of America but for God himself? Jesus! If I was gay but had the benefit of knowing how we straight people think, would I ever come out? I'm not so sure. I might prefer to just keep the whole thing between me and a few friends.

“So. Take a deep breath. A posture of utter humility before the mystery and grandeur of life is appropriate. And be cool. It's going to be OK.

“And also just generally reassuring kids about all this nonsense is appropriate too, don't you think? So could you just tell the kid that you love him and that how we develop sexually is just one part of who we are, and that however you develop it's completely and totally fine? Could you just tell him that you were 13 once and you remember it's a very weird and uncomfortable time, and that though you have rules in your house your No. 1 rule is that you love your kids and you're there for them?

“Could you just do that?”

---

I wonder sometimes: If my father or mother had written this letter and received this advice (and followed it), how much better would my relationship with my family be?

To the parents of gay youth everywhere – I could not put it better than this.

For Your Entertainment - Getting Physical

So I’m applying for a new job, and as part of the application process, I had to undergo a rather lengthy physical today. Drawing six tubes of blood while fasting is never ever fun, and with my exaggerated fear of needles I have to say I was just grateful I didn’t pass out.

The nice lady who was helping me today was quite entertaining. She was a bit butch, but in her scrubs you would probably never pin her for a lesbian – unless you were a seasoned gay man who happened to notice her shoes, like me ;). At one point in the testing, she told me about the need for her to do a lung test, where I blow into this little machine to see how hard and how fast I can expunge all of the air in my lungs.

The most entertaining part of the test was when she told me to go ahead and blow, she felt the need to stand around like a cheerleader screaming “blow blow blow blow!”
After the test was over, she told me about what a great blower I was, which, of course, I took as a compliment.

I can only imagine the chuckles that must have originated from the two other nurses sitting just outside the door (one of whom was definitely family, and rather attractive, if you are into the whole emo look).

After a few more tests (ok, hours of tests) the doctor started to review my now completed file (by the way, if you haven’t had the chance to see a full chest x-ray of yourself, it is really quite interesting). My EKG showed that my heart tilts a little to the right… nothing to be concerned about, just not normal.

But the blow test… oh no… For some reason the nurse didn’t input all the numbers she needed the machine for the machine to compute correct averages (that, and she inputted that I was 17 years old somehow). The nice doctor lady told me to go into their break room and have a yogurt while she found someone else to administer the blow test, since the nurse that had been there that morning had left for a class and wouldn’t be back for a few hours.

Well, you know where this story is going. After finishing my yogurt, in walks the emo nurse carrying the blow machine. “Is it you that needs to do the blow test?” he asks.

I didn't quite know how to respond. I am a married spud after all.

So the guy takes me back into a dark corner room (I know! I was starting to get a little nervous at this point), and administers the blow test. He had me sit on a chair, and handed me the machine. Of course, his scrubs HAD to be tight, and I could pretty much make out just about everything as he stood over me.

I don’t know what it was about this place, but emo guy had to be a little cheerleader too! I couldn’t help chuckle at the situation: here I was, sitting in front of a hot emo nurse whose junk was practically hanging in my face while he screamed “blow blow blow blow, keep going, blow blow blow!”

All I can say is that I’m glad I’m an out gay man now. Had this happened while I was my little closeted Mormon self, I probably would have passed out.

Wonderful Quotes

For the past little while I've been gathering all the quotes I have found to be helpful and inspiring to gay people. Some have been great retorts when confronted, others are just beautiful. Hope you enjoy them :)
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As long as society is anti-gay, then it will seem like being gay is anti-social.
Joseph Francis

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss

Everybody's journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality.
James Baldwin

Hateful to me as the gates of Hades is that man who hides one thing in his heart and speaks another.
Homer

Homosexuality is God's way of ensuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children.
Sam Austin

I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated "all my homosexual patients are quite sick" - to which I finally replied "so are all my heterosexual patients."
Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist

I don't mind straight people as long as they act gay in public.
T-shirt
Worn by Chicago Bulls Dennis Rodman during a network-TV interview

I get sick of listening to straight people complain about, "Well, hey, we don't have a heterosexual-pride day, why do you need a gay-pride day?" I remember when I was a kid I'd always ask my mom: "Why don't we have a Kid's Day? We have a Mother's Day and a Father's Day, but why don't we have a Kid's Day?" My mom would always say, "Every day is Kid's Day." To all those heterosexuals that bitch about gay pride, I say the same thing: Every day is heterosexual-pride day! Can't you people enjoy your banquet and not piss on those of us enjoying our crumbs over here in the corner?
Rob Nash

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.
Charles Pierce

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer."
Robin Tyler

Isn't it a violation of the Georgia sodomy law for the Supreme Court to have its head up its ass?
Letter to Playboy magazine, February 1987

It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain.
Francis Maude

My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.
W. Somerset Maugham

No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody.
Rita Mae Brown

Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons.
Letter to the editor, The Advocate

Straight Americans need... an education of the heart and soul. They must understand - to begin with - how it can feel to spend years denying your own deepest truths, to sit silently through classes, meals, and church services while people you love toss off remarks that brutalize your soul.
Bruce Bawer
The Advocate, 28 April 1998

The degree and kind of a man's sexuality reach up into the ultimate pinnacle of his spirit.
Friedrich Nietzsche

The diagnosis of homosexuality as a "disorder" is a contributing factor to the pathology of those homosexuals who do become mentally ill.... Nothing is more likely to make you sick than being constantly told that you are sick.
Ronald Gold


There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anaïs Nin

When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one.
Leonard P. Matlovich
Epitaph 1988, Thank you, Marlene

Choices and Birthdays

I learned something new today. I was over at Rob’s blog (Scrum Central) earlier today, reading about Stuart Mathis. I debated whether or not to post anything to commemorate the day of his death, but as I read Rob’s blog, I noticed a picture that hit me as curious, odd, and incredibly poignant.

Stuart was celebrating his 16th birthday on the day that I was born. This was the first time that I realized he and I shared a birthday. I thought of what Stuart must have been feeling on this day – and compared it to my own experience of turning 16. I remember the party – the first time my parents agreed to stay downstairs to show all of the kids that we were now old enough to be trusted. I had dreams about dating, about driving, about growing up, and about freedom.

Did Stuart have the same outlook on life at age 16? Was he convinced that even though he knew he was gay, he would live a life dedicated to God and the church – as I was. Did he dream on this day of his first date, urging his desires to want to date women while secretly longing for men?

Suicide is a difficult subject for me to discuss, because as a gay Mormon I definitely came to the point where I had to choose between life, and acceptance. I had the whole thing planned. My death would not have brought about memories – it probably wouldn’t have even mentioned the conflict between my gay self and my religious self – I would have simply left a note of love, and jumped. I chose jumping for a couple of reasons: 1, when you hit the ground it is over quickly, and 2, there would be one last rush of adrenaline. Nothing like proving to yourself you are alive before you die, right?

On the day I came out to my family and told them I was leaving the church, my dad suggested that he would rather have a dead son than a gay son. Strangely, it was the exact opposite that I had heard from them when I came out but was committed to reparative therapy (in that they suggested they would rather have a gay son than a dead one). I never questioned my choice of acceptance over death until that moment. But soon enough, my life was so caught up in love that now I question why I ever put myself through the option.

To those teetering on the edge – we’ve all been there. We know what it is like. It is dark, and scary, and difficult. My mom ripped out Stuart’s story out of my copy of “In Quiet Desperation” because she didn’t want me to even read into suicide as an option. It isn’t worth it. You’ll miss out on too much.

Live instead. Live the life that Stuart and the others felt they could not. That is the greatest lesson we can learn from the pain we share with Stuart.

Stuart, I certainly would have preferred to celebrate our birthdays with you this year. We are grateful for your pain. It has touched and taught so many people so much.

Red Underwear

Ok, funny story.

I remember going shopping once with my mom when I was 4 or 5. I must have been just about to start kindergarten, and we were shopping for new underwear. I was browsing the aisles with her when I noticed a rather muscled man in a fancy pair of red underwear. I pointed to them and told my mom “I want those ones.”

She informed me that those underwear were for older men. I asked, “How old do I have to be before I can wear them?”

She paused before responding, “By that time you’ll wear garments.”

I remember being very disappointed. Garments weren’t nearly as cool as those red underwear.

It’s funny to look back at events like those in life, and think, “I was so gay.”

Attraction

Before I came out, I had a very hard time admitting that I was gay. Even when I knew that I was, I knew what it was, and even admitted to myself that, yes, I like men, I still hated using the word. I remember once when I told my mom “I’m not gay because gay people have sex with other men;” she told me how proud of me she was because I felt that way. Now, I’m very grateful to be able to self-identify with that term, and realize it has a whole slew of meanings.

So I find it a bit strange that during this time of my life, I also had issues with the church’s preferred PC term “same-gender attraction.” It wasn’t until I was recently forced to think about this term that I realized why I detest it so.

Strangely enough, I was on an LDS forum that I frequent, when I ran across a forum posting about love. It had nothing at all to do with homosexuality, but a member of the church asked the question “How long do you think it takes to fall in love.”

Of course, various answers ensued, and there was a little bit of bickering about what love really is. Finally, someone posted this, which I found absolutely true and beautiful (and which I had to clean up for grammar and spelling, hehe): "I ... believe that love is a choice, not a feeling. And the amazing thing is, when you make a choice to love then your feelings swell within you anyway, so the feelings are sort of like a sign of the love, but [they aren't] the love."

Bingo. Yup, in a sense, being gay is a choice. Of course, when I say that I mean that allowing yourself to love the person that you are attracted to is a choice.

But even attraction doesn’t sum up what being gay is or means. That component of love, that choice that results in a feeling, is a binding power. It supersedes attraction and it supersedes sex. To reduce all that love is to a simple “attraction” demeans it as much as it would to reduce it to “sex.”

And that is why I hate using “same-gender attraction.”

I have said it many times, but the choice is not whether or not to be gay, it is whether or not to allow yourself to love. Since feeling, attraction, sex, and everything else that goes along with love are part of that choice, I can understand how someone on the outside would think that a choice to be gay is a choice to have sex. It is also a choice to feel. It is also a choice to be. It is also a choice to acknowledge attractions. It is a choice to stop running.

I am gay; and that has everything and nothing to do with sex, it has everything and nothing to do with attraction, but most importantly, it has everything to do with love.

Returning to the Blog-o-sphere

Hurrah! I’m back. Sorry for the absence. I was trying to decide what exactly I should do. Now that this story is all written and told, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to start a new blog, or just continue this one. For now, I’ll just continue here.

But the tone will probably change a bit…

A Dream

Even though I am now completely out in my life, and although most people who frequent this blog know who I am, I have to admit that I have maintained a certain level of anonymity for posts like this one. It is very difficult at times, and sometimes unwise, to discuss extremely personal, powerful spiritual experiences – but doing so anonymously seems a bit more practical.

When I was 14 and praying about why I should remain a member of the church, I remember having a very vivid dream. This dream is just as vivid to me today as it was the day after I had it. In it, I was show certain possibilities – things I think I needed to see at that point in time. When I woke, the feeling I had was intensely spiritual. In fact, I had never had similar feelings in my entire life… until a few nights ago.

The details of that first dream are now slightly irrelevant to this conversation, and were so personal that I won’t innumerate them here, but I do need to say that although this dream was inspiring and powerful, I now know it to mean something completely different than what I thought it did originally.

But this most recent dream… it is significant, and very applicable.

I dreamt I was at a mission reunion. Two of my very mission friends know about me and my partner Adam (in real life). They were there in this dream, as well as the hundreds of other missionaries I had the chance to serve with, to welcome into the mission field as an office missionary, and even the ones I didn’t know, but recognized their faces. The mission reunion was interesting in my dream, and although I felt at peace there, I was not comfortable.

At first I blamed this on the fact that I knew I was gay, and here I was, at a mission reunion. I thought my discomfort was because I was a sinner in the eyes of all these people – but it soon became apparent that my discomfort stemmed from something else.

I walked up to a sister companionship who were talking by themselves, only to hear them talking about me as I approached. I couldn’t hear everything, but I distinctly remember hearing the word “gay” in their conversation.

I froze, and wondered how they knew.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by all these good members of the church. They had fear and loathing in their eyes. The two friends of mine stood a little ways back, with compassion. It almost appeared like they were begging for forgiveness. Suddenly I realized that they had spilled the beans, and that everyone at this reunion knew I was gay.

On cue, one of the most flamboyant Elders in my mission field yelled “Is it true you are gay?” right in front of everyone. At first I was mortified, but then suddenly found myself in a teaching situation. I had the opportunity to explain what it meant to be gay.

Then my dream skipped, as they often do. I found myself on a barren street (one I recognized… it is the street that led to my house). No one was out, and the streets were empty. I set off home, pondering the events that took place during my “mission reunion.”

I was asking myself questions I have asked myself in life many times. “Why me?” “Why am I gay?” “Why do I constantly have to explain myself and clear up misunderstandings and misconceptions?”

In my dream I prayed, and asked God these same questions.

I admit I was surprised when a booming voice answered. Strangely, although the voice was loud and overpowering, it was also recognizable and calming. “Because I want it that way,” it said.

And then I woke up.

I must admit that I have drifted from the church over the past few years. I’ve allowed myself to make excuses to not go, and specifically have avoided places where I knew I would feel the spirit, because I was afraid of feeling guilty.

But the moment my eyes fluttered opened I felt that same, intense, overwhelming, screaming spirit I had only felt once before – when I was 14.

I don’t know why I have to go down the path I am going down. I don’t know, exactly, what it was about the experience of excommunication that I’m sure God wanted me to discover and learn from. But I do have one more piece of the puzzle. I know, beyond any doubt, that I have a job to do – even as an excommunicated Latter-Day Saint.

I am to tell my story, to teach, to explain, and to clear up misunderstandings and misconceptions.

The desire I have had to go to church, partly to just “stick it to the people” who would not want me there is not borne out of hostility. My Father wants it that way.

It was good to feel the spirit again and know that I am on the right track. It is good to know that somehow, my mission in life – whether changed from that vision of long ago or not – is somehow still being fulfilled. It is good to know that I am still capable of being a tool in the Lord’s hand.

I think I need to make a better effort to go to church… because somehow, somewhere, it is going to lead to a teaching experience. And a learning one too, I’m sure.

Respectful Group Discussion

Recently I have had the opportunity to sit down with a group of LGBT and LDS people, who have come together with kindness and respect, with hopes of building bridges, dispelling rumors, spreading truth, and, as an absolutely amazing woman put it, “just get everyone to love everyone.”

Participating members include someone from Equality Utah, a gay dad of two children, me, an active LDS husband and wife whose husband is gay and not secretive about it in his ward (although not sexually active with other men, just his wife), an ex bishop and his wife, the church lobbyist, a stake relief society president, and one of the directors at Planned Parenthood.

As I type all those people out, you would probably assume our meetings are politically charged and emotional. Strangely, they are not. In fact, the discussion moves rather fluidly, and understanding is at the heart of it.

I think the thing I am most proud of about this group is how well we all get along, and how successful we have been at presenting ideas that could cause actual change – not in doctrine, mind you, but in the way people think and approach the subject of homosexuality.

The church lobbyist has been of particular interest, because he was heavily involved in prop 8. Also, since he works in church PR, we often get the inside story, and a refreshing view of the church’s stance on a lot of issues.

For example, the recent news has had a lot of stories about the gay couple cited with trespassing for kissing on the church owned (yet public) Main Street Plaza. According to the lobbyist, the couple, indeed, was engaging in behavior that would have been questionable for either heterosexual or homosexual couples in public. He was also told that there is no video tape of the incident (contrary to many public naysayers who claim to have personal connections to church security members).

I suppose the point I’m trying to make is how important it is to have respectful dialog with people of opposing views. Even though I know there are people in this group that fundamentally disagree with me regarding issues such as marriage and family, I have no doubt that they have grown to love and respect me. Had it been me on the plaza, and one of these group members as church security, I have no doubt the outcome would have been different, and much less news worthy.

We all need to commit to discussion. We are all a member of the human family, and as such, cannot keep demeaning and vilifying those unlike ourselves. And the only way to stop the other side from vilifying you, is to discuss with them the fact that you exist… and that you love.

The Big Doctrinal Question

I would think that the LDS church would have the easiest time with accepting gay marriage. Church doctrine already defines two types of marriage: a civil marriage, which is performed here on earth until “death do you part,” and a celestial marriage, performed by the priesthood in a temple that seals a partnership and their children together for eternity.

Growing up, I understood this doctrine extremely well. It is the heart of the church. As a missionary, I used eternal marriage to bring people to God – and since most of them have heard of God before, and already had a relationship with him, the eternal nature of the family was the only distinguishable, desirable difference between our church and theirs that made it easier for people to accept the gospel as taught by the LDS church.

As I looked into and studied the subject, the doctrine became rather simple: Men, because they were given dominion over the earth, had a right to bind things together for this temporal life. Only the priesthood could bind things afterward (“what is bound on earth will be bound in heaven” only with the proper authority from God).

This is why a couple married in a civil ceremony are not breaking the law of chastity – because we, as men and rulers over this world, have the power and authority to bind a couple together during this life.

But that is also why the temple and the priesthood are so important, so that the things bound together in this life can continue onward in the next.

If you ask any member of the church which is better, a civil marriage or an eternal one, I guarantee 100% will see a difference, and answer that an eternal marriage is better.

Which brings me to my point. Gay couples want nothing more than the marriage that the church already views as lesser anyway. By doctrinal definition, civil marriages performed without the benefit of the temple will be meaningless in the next life.

So why do Mormon’s have such a difficult time with gay marriage?

I can see why other churches, whose doctrine is not so clear, perhaps those who believe that marriage is not given in heaven as per scripture, would believe there is only one definition of God-ordained marriage – but the LDS church should know better. By doctrinal definition a civil marriage is not ordained of God. In fact, he recognizes it only as a temporal occurrence, bound only by the authority of men. By this reasoning, I have the same authority to bind here on earth as any other man born on this planet. Priesthood authority is not required in order to perform a civil marriage.

So why can’t I have what the LDS people see as a lesser, non-God endorsed form of marriage? And what is the big deal if gay people do get married, in the eternal scheme of things.

I actually understand other church’s view of this better: They might consider it doing me a favor to deny me marriage. After all, can you imagine what would happen if I got to the judgment seat and was actually STILL BOUND to another homosexual (and I have discovered that most religions believe these bonds persist after death even though the words in the ceremony might specify otherwise). In this case, there might actually be GENUINE concern for the welfare of my soul.

But the LDS church doesn’t have such an excuse. It won’t make a tiny bit of difference in the eternal plan whether or not I was married in this life, or just a homosexual.

Except, of course, unless marriage can be used to prove the intent of my heart.

But if that is the case, then you would think the LDS church would be front runner in establishing marriage for gay couples. That way, in the afterlife, God could quickly see whether I was a bad gay or a good gay. At least if I were allowed to be married, I would be following his laws as taught by the church as closely as possible. At least then every time I had sex it would be within the bonds of marriage, even if it IS still a sin. The intent that I TRIED would have to mean something, right?

So it seems that by not allowing me to marry, according to LDS theology, I will actually be WORSE OFF in the next life. And if that is the case, and the church still fights against same-sex marriage, then I must take issue with the claim that their stance is God-inspired.

Are there any LDS members who might be able to provide insight on this? I have searched scripture after scripture to find some other explanation as to how civil marriages can be ordained by God but not recognized by him as binding. I can think of no other ordinance where an “imitation” of the ordinance is good enough to be binding in this life but not the next. I can’t even find an example of a civil marriage verses an eternal one!

If I could figure this out I would be able to justify the church’s stance to myself. Until then, it appears that they, indeed, wish for me to be in an even worse place at the judgment bar of God, and the only reasons someone would wish that on another human being would have to be rooted in pure hatred.

And that is a scary thought.

Please email me with comments, suggestions, reading material, your ideas and thoughts. gaysaint@gmail.com

The Secret

I know it has been a while since I’ve posted. I think that is because after my excommunication, it has taken me a while to get into the mindset of feeling like I want to continue opening up and sharing. Today I’m going to go a little backwards, and give you what I believe to be the secret to staying in the church as a gay Mormon. Hopefully this will help bishops, councilors, and etc. up the chain know how to handle people who might approach them with this situation.

It is just too bad I had to leave the church to realize it. The thing I’m not to sad about, however, is the fact that I met my amazing partner – and now I can’t/won’t leave him.

So here it is: You are a gay Mormon. These are two very real and very large parts of your life. They might not seem like they go together at first – but trust me – they can.

If you are still in the church, then you have embraced, fully, your Mormon side. Good for you. You don’t have to let that go, but you do need to embrace your gay side. You can’t just starve it away. It never dies.

Instead, you need to accept it, recognize it, and love it. This doesn’t mean you have to go out and act on your desires, but instead, means you should prepare yourself for full disclosure. To survive in a family oriented church, with or without a family of your own, is going to require that friends, family, church leaders, ward members, everyone knows that you, in fact, are gay. There will be plenty who won’t understand, perhaps some that will shun you, but there will be more who will appreciate your strength in remaining faithful to the gospel.

You are always accompanied in the room by a giant pink elephant. You can’t and shouldn’t hide it. Doing so just makes it worse. Parade that damn elephant around – because there is nothing wrong with a giant pink elephant.

The gay community has a word for this: pride. You should have it for both your gay side, and your Mormon side. I do (and my partner sometimes doesn’t understand it), even though I’m no longer a member of the church.

Coming out is an important psychological step for all gay youth. Just because you are religious, that doesn’t mean you get to avoid this step! You have to do it. It is not fair to yourself to not. You can be an out-and-celibate, or an out-and-married Mormon. This is the only way your relationships with members of the opposite sex can work. This is the only way your relationship to a church who doesn’t understand you can work. You must make this topic less taboo. You must talk about it. The amount of strength that will be required to live such a life will be a redirection of the strength you are currently focusing on you homosexuality. That’s right – avoiding the pink elephant is feeding it. You cannot “white-knuckle” it forever. There is no amount of strength on the planet or in the heavens for that (this is a rephrased quote from my LDS counselor). That energy must be refocused.

If all goes well you will have accepting and loving ward members, leadership, and neighborhoods, and hopefully change a few minds regarding the struggles of same gender attraction along the way. You can finally be a complete person, by embracing all of the goodness in your person – you can even help your sister color-coordinate her wardrobe. Trust me, you’ll be doing everyone a favor =)

Excommunicated

If you haven’t been lucky enough to run across the name Carol Lynn Pearson, I would highly suggest you Google her. She is an amazing LDS woman who has written many books on the subject of homosexuality. I subscribe to her newsletters, where she often describes something she calls “synchronicity.” Synchronicity is where seemingly random events in life all converge to form some greater meaning.

As I have read Carol’s experiences with synchronicity, I started looking for such events in my life. Unfortunately, I never found anything that inspired a great story, or even made me feel more connected to the human race or to God – that is, until January 11, 2009.

January 11, 2009 will be a day I will forever remember. It was the day I was excommunicated from the church. As I prepared for the proceedings, I clung to Carol’s book (that I recently purchased), No More Goodbyes. I decided to take it with me, so that if I was asked why I never “attempted” marriage as a possible cure (a question I am constantly asked), I could refer to Carol’s words. I needed them to hear where she told her bishop, “It isn’t that you are asking our gay young men to not marry, but you are asking them to marry me, and you are asking them to marry my daughter.” I think that was, perhaps, the strongest response I have heard to that question to date. I use it often.

But that was not where I noticed the synchronicity. As I was preparing for the court, I found the passage I wanted to mark, and reached for an old piece of paper that I had on my desk, just one that I could use to bookmark the page. I hurriedly shoved in the bookmark, as I needed to seek out some other scriptures and things I wanted to share with my soon-to-be judges.

When I was sitting in the Stake offices, waiting with my sobbing mother, I wondered if I had made the right choice in having the court instead of just removing my records. I wanted these men to hear what I had to say... I wanted to promote understanding and love at all costs. I wasn’t going to be brazen or prideful; I just wanted them to hear my story. But the pain I felt as I watched my mother's body roll with emotion was horrible. I almost changed my mind. I almost got up to leave. I could just tell the stake president to remove my records. I could just draft a letter. Surely my mom didn’t have to experience this. Surely I didn’t either. But then I noticed the little piece of paper sticking out from where I had marked Carol’s conversation with her bishop. I was drawn to it because it had writing on it; something I had not previously seen. I opened the book, and the piece of paper had one word written on it: Learn.

This one word reminded me of every reason I was there that day. I was there to learn from the church and from God. I was there so that the members of the high council would learn from me. I was there so my mother could learn. I was both student and teacher, and both roles were so important.

My mind then immediately applied this word to the meaning of life. This is what we are here to do: Learn. Learn what? Love. Whether it is to love deity or human, this is our task. I am so glad I had that book with me. I’m so glad Carol wrote it. Because of her I had that little piece of paper, and that little word that I needed at that time.

After the excommunication I had a member of the high council run up to me. He informed me he worked for the church in PR, and had been heavily involved in proposition 8. He expressed empathy for my situation, and thanked me for helping all at the table understand a little better the struggle of homosexuality. He promised to be more understanding. He wanted to speak with me more on the subject, and I agreed to let him be my home teacher. I don’t know where our conversations might lead, but somehow, somewhere, I’m sure someone will learn something from it.

A long time coming...

With all the hype over California’s Proposition 8, and all the hoopla surrounding the after-effects, I decided to take a little break from my blog. I needed to clear my head and ensure that when I finally did sit down to write this piece, that I was doing so with a straight head. Sometimes, I get a little emotional over this issue.

First of all, I need to say that I get it. I understand why the church voices its doctrine in the way that it does. I don’t disagree with the LDS church or its decision to get involved in the Yes on 8 campaign. I understand that to the LDS church and its members, marriage is not just something that exists in this life, but is something that echoes the structure of the eternities. Families are how God gets things done, and marriage and children are the highest, most sacred rite; the closest to Godhood one can get in this life.

I also understand why the LGBT community is so upset over the time and money the LDS church spent fighting what they believe is (and what California ruled was) a civil right to legal marriage.

Gaining a clear understanding of this issue is difficult without the facts, and FACTS have been a bit hard to come by in this case. I feel FACTS have been skewed by both sides of the argument. Unfortunately, most of the evidence I have uncovered does seem to place some blame on the Yes on 8 campaign (notice, I DID NOT SAY the LDS Church), and I do very much feel that the Yes on 8 campaign was run with more dirt and malice than the No on 8 campaign was. I think this is why the LGBT, including myself, is so upset over this issue, and has chosen to place blame with the LDS church.

The fact is: The LDS church, or to put it more correctly, its members, financed more than half of the Yes on 8 campaign, which was full of lies and misconceptions. I received a copy of a letter sent by the Yes on 8 campaign to a businessman who had donated to the No on 8 campaign that was so awful and sickening, that to me, it bordered on blackmail. It wasn’t worded kindly, it wasn’t respectful. This letter told this business that if they did not donate equally to the Yes on 8 campaign, then the Yes on 8 campaign would post the name of this business, and advertise it as being against traditional family values.

The letter had four signatures. One was the chairman of the Yes on 8 campaign, one was a lawyer, one was a Catholic representative, and the other? LDS.

I will do my best to contact the LDS man on this letter in hopes of discovering his reasons for allowing his name to be used. After I let my bishop read this letter, even he was appalled. He told me that there must be a reason, something I was missing, something that only the LDS side of the argument could answer, as to why the LDS church would allow its name to be used in a strong-arm argument. I was assured that this was not the church’s way... although I do believe the current evidence dictates otherwise.

I hope I am mistaken, but even if I am, there will be few others within the LGBT community with more sympathy than I, and fewer still who are willing to seek for answers. If anyone knows any specifics, I would be very happy to discuss them. In fact, I’m salivating for the chance to discuss it with someone who worked closely with the Yes on 8 campaign, because for the life of me, I cannot understand why a church that I believe to be led by God himself would resort to using lies and falsehoods in a dirty campaign. Did the Yes on 8 campaign really think they were telling the truth? They had to know they were being deceptive, right? If God himself is against gay civil marriage, then there must be a better way to reach people than to spread the lie that schools would have to teach children about gay marriage, or that churches could lose their tax exempt status for not performing such marriages if a law were to pass that would require the state or federal government to recognize (legally) such unions. And let’s not forget about those “Six consequences of Gay Marriage” pamphlets that got distributed (written by Glen Greener and Gary Lawrence, two members of the LDS church), that were all refuted by a still-in-good-standing BYU professor (if his arguments weren’t legit, wouldn’t he have been fired like the other BYU professor who supported gay marriage?)

I don’t know how much the ACTUAL church donated to the Yes on 8 campaign, but I am sure that there is now an investigation as to why phone trees, ad production, actors, and website fees weren’t reported. I highly doubt that these funds came from the tithing funds of the church (the legality of such would be questionable), but I would like to know from where it came.

So if anyone might know of someone I can talk to in order to get these questions answered, I’d appreciate an email to gaysaint@gmail.com. Everything said in that discussion will remain confidential. I just need to know... for me.

My personal views of this subject will be discussed further... eventually.

The List

One of the many questions I often asked myself, and later asked to others, was “What can I do to overcome my same-gender attraction?” I was given various answers from multiple sources, but tried literally everything someone thought would help. I have compiled a quick list of everything I tried, in hopes that, perhaps, it can be of help to someone else, as well as show you exactly how much I did to try to overcome this part of my nature. I would like to elaborate on each of these list items, so forgive me if this post runs a bit long:

1. Prayer
2. Fasting
3. Church attendance
4. Scripture study
5. Seminary/Institute
6. Temple attendance
7. Mission service
8. Group and Individual therapy
9. Weekly meetings with bishops / Blessings
10. Church activities
11. Sports
12. Enlarging my circle of male friends
13. Reading church sponsored materials
14. Dating

1. Prayer. My Father in Heaven and I still have a great relationship – and this relationship was built on prayer. I’m sure you’ve heard of other gay young men who have claimed that prayer has been a staple in their life, and I am no different. I depended so much on prayer, that I don’t think there was a single day that went by without my offering at least four prayers a day related specifically to this issue. I’ve had prayers that have lasted hours, I’ve had prayers that lasted seconds. I’ve had tears during prayers in private, and even tears during prayers in public. Perhaps, most significantly, were the prayers I said before going to bed. My mom once caught me getting into bed without kneeling, and she asked me if I had forgotten to say my prayers. I made up some excuse about how I had said my nightly prayer earlier when she didn’t see, but the fact was, I prayed from the moment my light went out until I fell asleep every night, in hopes of keeping my thoughts clean and avoiding any dreams that might end up erotic. I don’t know how long these prayers lasted on average, but often they went well into the night.

2. Fasting. I was taught that fasting on fast Sunday was really the only time someone needed to fast, and that fasting any extra was superfluous. I was taught fasting on fast Sunday was enough to show God that you were willing and ready to do his will. I started fasting half-day when I was eight, and moved to a full fast when I was sixteen. I started fasting for the issue of same-gender attraction every month when I was twelve. I never missed a month, and often added extra fasts "just in case." Even when family outings, or holidays, or something else interfered, I made up the fast the week before, in hopes of showing the Lord just how hopeful I was, and how willing I was to put Him first.

3. Church attendance. I was never one to dislike going to church. I loved every meeting, and often went to more than one church session. For a while I was a member of a Spanish speaking branch, so I would attend those meetings, a branch missionary meeting, and then attend my home ward meetings all in the same day. Even after “coming out,” church attendance has been something I enjoy doing. I can’t remember ever skipping a meeting growing up, unless I was sick. My family even made it a point to find the local church on vacations.

4. Scripture study. I love the scriptures, especially the Bible and the Doctrine & Covenants. The Book of Mormon has never been a favorite of mine, but I made sure to read it every day anyway, and always rose to a scripture reading challenge, whether issued in a class, or by the church. I’m excited to share some of the things I have learned in regards to the scriptures on this blog. On average, my scripture study started around a half hour a day, but as I found temptation more difficult to resist, that time increased to at least an hour.

5. Seminary/Institute. Most high school kids I knew would occasionally cut class when it came to seminary, without any guilt or remorse. After all, we lived in Utah, and seminary was “release time” from a regularly scheduled school day. The school didn’t really care what you did with that time. I never missed a day. Institute was the same way. I always did my assignments, participated heavily in any and all activities (yup, even early morning devotionals), and never got anything less than an A. This was the one class where I felt it was inappropriate to get anything less… after all, how could I justify a B in "“God 101."

6. Temple attendance. When I turned 12 and went to the temple my first time, I loved it so much I made it a point to go at least monthly. This schedule became harder as I grew up and had less and less time, but when I was told that temple attendance might be the key to overcoming SGA, I increased my frequency. Once endowed, I frequented as often as possible, which often meant going more than once a month. If I felt particularly unworthy, I would go anyway and sit on the grounds until I did feel worthy, or would return another time that month.

7. Mission service. I made a promise to God that if He would do two things for me, I would serve an honorable mission for Him with all my might, heart, and strength. First, I wanted my inappropriate desires to go away. Second, I wanted to learn a foreign language. I repented for the second requirement my first day in the MTC. The wording of my release letter informed my priesthood leaders at home that I served a “… very honorable mission.” They were impressed by the addition of the word “very,” as was I.

8. Group and Individual therapy. I have a whole other blog on this subject.

9. Weekly meetings with a bishop. After I started therapy, I decided I needed the help and support of everyone who wouldn’t look down on me. I started meeting weekly with my bishop, and at his request started attending a singles ward, where I met with that bishop weekly, and my home ward bishop monthly. I used these meetings to bounce ideas, report on my progress, discuss my frustration, get priesthood blessings, and get encouragement. I found these two bishops to be especially supportive of me. I still meet with that home ward bishop on an every-other-month basis.

10. Church activities. During the years when I was in college and working full time, I found it difficult to arrange my schedule in such a way that I was able to participate in church activities during the week. At the insistence of my counselor, as well as my bishop, I made such arrangements. I also participated in my own “activities” during church – such as learning the names of every member of the elder’s quorum, and ensuring that I went anywhere I was invited to go with my fellow peers.

11. Sports. Yup, I even started learning new sports. I started figure skating (I know, not exactly a "straight" sport, but it gave me an outlet where I could set and achieve goals), learned to play golf (however awfully), attended super bowl parties, learned to play ultimate Frisbee, volleyball, and tennis, and specifically integrated myself into any sports related activities at church… except basketball… I never liked basketball. I gave myself this one exception.

12. Enlarging my circle of male friends. When I got home from my mission I really only had two good close male friends. It was suggested that building healthy relationships with other men would be advantageous, in hopes of settling the need I had for male companionship with friendship. I reconnected with two mission companions, and, as mentioned earlier, learned the names of the elders in my quorum (which, subsequently, earned me a spot as the quorum’s first counselor), and started to integrate myself into new circles of friends. I consider my success in this aspect to be rather high.

13. Reading church sponsored materials. Yes, this includes the Ensign and the Liahona (the Spanish version), but it also includes Evergreen books, the church’s 12 step addiction recovery program (in hopes that I would find something useful), Ty Mansfield’s book (with Stuart’s section ripped out by my mom. She didn’t want me to read anything that could be interpreted as “failure”), my counselor's book (which is fantastic), and many others. I reread the entire missionary library during this time as well, and had my bishop order in all of the materials written specifically to church leadership in regards to same-gender attraction.

14. Dating. When I got back from my mission I was practically engaged to a girl who had waited for me. When that didn’t work out I took some time to be single, and then continued along the dating path, with the encouragement of my parents, church leaders, and counselor. My church leaders always would ask, “Do you think your not wanting to get married could be because you haven’t found the right one yet? Maybe it isn’t because of this whole SGA thing.” Uh huh. Sure. I really did enjoy my time with these women, and became very good friends with most of them. Thankfully, most of us were able to part ways on good terms, and most have accepted me fully for who I am today.

The only step I can think of that could be on this list but isn’t, is the step of marriage. That is something I don’t think should just be “tried.” I realize that it decreases feelings of SGA for a very select few, but there is just no way I would be willing to take that risk. More on my feelings about marriage later.

If you can think of something that should be on this list, but isn’t, please feel free to contact me at gaysaint@gmail.com. Most likely, I've already tried it and just forgot to add it, but I'm always willing to accept suggestions.

The End of the Story

I would like to finish my “life story” so that I can get on to discussing more important issues (which I have already taken a pause to do more than once, sorry about that), and focus on individual experiences that affect how I live my life. I think I can finish this story rather quickly; after a few months alone, I met the fantastic man with whom I now share my life.

Honestly, our relationship progressed faster than I expected it to. I told him when we first met that I didn’t want to rush into a relationship, and that I was having fun just dating and being unattached. But the fact that we spent almost every day together negated that thought process rather quickly, and after just a few weeks we decided we would like to be exclusive. We celebrated the one year anniversary of that decision September 12, 2008. I have never felt so in sync with someone in all of my life. I have never been so happy to wake up or to come home from work. I have never been so in love.

My feelings are so completely wrapped up in this person that I can’t imagine my life without him. I never thought I would be able to say that about another human being. I have no desire for anyone, or anything else. He has become a closer member of my family than any other family member I have known or had.

In counseling I was told that if I “fulfilled” my desires for another man, that I would suddenly be confronted by a bottomless pit, always looking for the next best thing, and would never be satisfied or quenched in my lust. I have found that to be an outright lie. Never have I been so fulfilled. Never have I thought that there was something better. I imagine that the way I feel now is the same way many of you reading this have felt about your spouse or partner.

Of course, I say this is the end of my story, because I have brought you up to present day – but the fact remains – my life with this man is really just beginning. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but my conviction to him is stronger than ever, and I know he feels the same way about me. I feel truly blessed – yes, by God, – to have him in my life.

Although I am plagued by certain fears and uncertainties, just as any other couple, I am sure our relationship is enduring. No matter the challenge, I know that if we stay by each others' side and make decisions together, we will get through anything.

I have often pondered how it could be that the Lord could be responsible for our relationship, considering the LDS church’s stand on the subject. When I have considered this, both personally and in prayer, I have been reminded of an experience I had on my mission.

While serving in Weslaco, Texas, I had the pleasure of meeting the son of a man who served on a team that was responsible for the translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls. This man read both Hebrew and Greek, and was a great scriptorian. He started this experience by telling us that the Greek language has a flow, almost like poetry, so when it is cut - as in scriptural translation or change - a change in flow can usually be detected.

He then had us read what would become one of my favorite passages of scripture:

Mark 8:22-25

“22 And he cometh to Bethsaida; and they bring a blind man unto him, and besought him to touch him.
23 And he took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought.
24 And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees, walking.
25 After that he put his hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up: and he was restored, and saw every man clearly.”

This translator then assured us that in the Greek scriptures, the flow was uninterrupted, and to his knowledge and ability, the translation was correct. He then asked us why the blind man was not initially healed.

We, as missionaries, responded it was because of a lack of faith.

The translator then shook his head and said, “Every time Christ healed someone, he asked them if they had faith in Him. Do you honestly believe he would not ask this man the same question – although it might not be documented?”

We said that we weren’t sure. The translator then asked, “And if he didn’t have the faith, how was it that he was healed in the end. Did Christ mess up? Is that why the man wasn’t completely healed on the first attempt? Obviously he could see slightly, but the people the man could see looked like 'tree walking' or, blurred shadows.”

We responded that of course Christ wouldn’t have made a mistake, but we were unable to come up with a reason as to why the Savior would only partially heal the man.

The translator, after many frustrated attempts to help us attain the correct answer, told us, “In verse 22, who was it that brought the man to Christ?”

We responded it was the apostles.

He continued, “So they were with Him during the healing. I think Christ was teaching his apostles in this moment. In just a few verses down, Christ asks the apostles who they think he is, his plan, and the fact that he would be sacrificed for their sins, but the did not understand. These were the apostles of Christ! And they didn’t understand his gospel clearly. They, in fact, still saw the gospel as ‘trees walking.’ Christ was teaching his apostles by example, and acknowledging that they did not understand his gospel clearly.”

I remember feeling the spirit confirm to me that this was true, and I wondered myself, how much of the gospel I still saw unclearly. If Christ’s own apostles were unable to clearly see, even in the presence of the Master, how blind must I - as a 20 year old missionary- still be?

This passage of scripture gives me the simple understanding that there are things that I, this world, the church, apostles, prophets, and angels still see as “trees walking.” I believe the issues of homosexual attraction, love, expression, and tolerance are just a few of the items of which we still don’t have a clear picture. I don’t know if, like the apostles in relation to the Savior’s sacrifice, this is because we simply don’t understand all of the information that the Savior is telling us, or if we just don’t have all of the information because of the Godhead's choice to withhold such revelation from the church at this current time. What I do know, is that one day, the Savior will place his hands on my eyes, and open my understanding. I don’t know what the result of this “healing” will be. It might be a way for the man that I love and me to be together forever. It might be a greater understanding that will give us the desire to live separate lives. For certain, however, it will be a decision made with clear vision.

I cannot wait to see perfectly. Until then, I’ll be happy with the vision I have been given. I might still see aspects of the gospel as trees walking, but at least I’m not blind.

Coming Out

My relationship with Dave moved quickly, more out of necessity than anything else. I knew my parents would never support my decision, and so I quickly had to come up with living arrangements that didn’t include my parent’s basement. Dave spoke with his parents, who, although LDS, were extremely supportive of me, and it was decided that I would move in there.

I very clearly remember the Sunday afternoon that I told my mother I was moving out. I was, of course, extremely nervous. Luckily, she had already known about my same-gender attraction, so I didn’t have to start from the beginning. I had arranged for some friends of mine to show up with a truck at 7pm, and I already had most of my stuff organized in such a way that I could pack easily.

I can still feel the emotion of that day. I was so sad, because I knew I would no longer be a welcome member of my family, now that I had “acted out” on my tendencies. My mom was napping on the couch and I sat at her feet for almost half an hour before she noticed I was there. She finally asked me what was wrong.

It is very painful to recount what happened after that moment, so I’m going to skip over it briefly. I became an emotional mess. The only thing I could do was wall myself off from everything everyone was saying. Before I got done crying my entire family was in the room, my dad called home from work, my sisters called from their respective apartments, my bishop and his wife were there. At one point I found myself defending my right to live, as my father informed me he would rather see me dead than gay. My bishop, who was a kind and intellectual man, did the best he could to stop anyone from saying things that would be forever damaging, but things were still said.

I can’t say that I’m proud of myself in that moment, because I said some things I wish I wouldn’t have said as well. Finally, the doorbell rang, my friends there to bail me out. My dad helped me pack – I don’t know if he was trying to be helpful and apologetic for the things he had said to me, or if he was just trying to get me out of the house quicker.

My relationship with my parents and family has never been the same. I blame myself, partly, for that. I don’t know how I could have softened the blow for them, I don’t know how I could have prepared them better. I gave them almost two years of foresight, they had read the books, talked openly with me about my experiences in counseling (at this time I was still involved in counseling and group therapy), and although I know they wish I would have been capable of making a different choice, I feel as though I prepared them the best I could for either outcome. Still, it was a heart-wrenching experience for me to pull away from that house. I had to hide behind a bit of strength and defiance, and I wish I could have come off that evening with a little more kindness, but I didn’t know how.

That night, Dave’s mom cried with me for hours. I remember breaking down to her, and I remember her putting her arms around me and telling me that I was safe, and loved, and wanted. I didn’t understand how someone who was LDS could be so loving and kind to me. When I asked about this she simply stated, “God made you the way you are for some greater purpose. He knows more than we do.”

The next five months of my life were an adjusting period as I learned how to live as an out gay man. I attended church every week, held regular meetings with my priesthood leaders, and finished out my group counseling session, where everyone learned of my choice, and, surprisingly, received it well. One of the group members mentioned the first week after I had come out, that I walked in, sat down, and looked relaxed for the first time he had seen. They knew the time and effort I had put into my decision, and I was respected for it. I finished out the group therapy with a Christ-like love for my friends in that group, and hope they are all doing well. I wish them the best.

At the end of the five months, and I recount these next few experiences only for the sake of completeness, my relationship with Dave turned sour. Law enforcement showed up on our doorstep, and Dave confessed to me his desire to seek a relationship with underage boys. I was of the opinion that our relationship could still work, as long as we loved each other and he was willing to seek professional help, to which he agreed. But once his secret was out he didn’t feel any desire to hide it, and he began telling me about his trips to the local pool, and the young boys he met there, and how some of their parents were “OK” with him spending time with their son. When I confronted him about one particular boy, we got into an argument that resulted in his attempted suicide.

I saw Dave in the hospital a few days later, and told him how happy I was that he had survived. I told him how much I loved him, but then told him that if he was so scared to break up with me that he would rather kill himself, then I would do the hard work for him.

Dave’s parents asked me to stay in the home with them, because, they said, I had become a son to them. I told them I also felt a familiar bond, but that Dave was their son, and he needed their support.

I don’t regret any decisions I made, and am still very grateful for Dave and his amazing family. I do wish there would have been a way to slow down the relationship so that I could have learned about Dave’s problems before we moved in together.

I did feel cheated. I had given my heart to Dave, even if it was for only five months, but it was his completely. He had never loved me.

I knew that this was an opportunity to possibly get back into church, to live a celibate life, but I wanted so badly to be loved.

So I took the experiences I garnished, spent three months as a man with no commitments to anyone as I discovered myself, and enjoyed learning about the gay culture from my new roommate, who was kind enough to share his apartment with me for a few months. My new bishop was much kinder than the one in Dave’s ward, probably due to the fact that he was about 40 years younger, and I found myself easily able to confide in him. It was during these few months that I realized that the self-hatred I had harbored for so long was waning, and I could see the church side of me, and the gay side of me, finally getting along.

Another Cause to Pause

I’ve had the opportunity to discuss this blog in depth with two people who I consider very good friends. One of them told me that my blog sounded a bit bitter toward the LDS church, and that they would no longer be reading. I understand how a few of my recent posts could have come across that way, but I feel the need to clarify.

My feelings for the church have really evolved constantly through this experience. Please remember that I am recounting a story from its inception, as I remember it during the time it happened. My CURRENT feelings for the church are only partially recounted in posts such as “A Shift of Faith.” That experience took place almost two years ago, and at that time, yes, I was bitter toward the church… or should I say… the people in the church. I’ve also been bitter towards God, towards myself, towards my parents (which you’ll see in the next few posts), and towards Satan.

But I told my other friend with whom I’ve been discussing this blog, that although she may feel differently, I don’t think I’ll ever let go of the gospel principles. If anything, my faith in God and in Christ has increased over the course of my ordeal. After all, if the church is right in its current stance, I will be relying on them both in mercy for my salvation! And my faith in them is such that I don’t believe that it is “too late” for me. “A Shift of Faith” really was intended to do nothing more than point out that the people in the church don’t understand the things they do to hurt those in my situation. I’ve blamed the church for that, I’ve blamed God for that, but the fact remains that really, I can only blame myself. Who can teach them what things are hurtful and what things are not in this regard unless someone like me is willing to put myself out there enough to help them understand?

The ninth article of faith reads: “We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.”

I believe that God is not done talking about this issue. I might hope that a revelation will come to the church that will resolve this issue one way or the other, but the only thing I expect is that such a revelation will come to me, personally, for me, personally.

In fact, one, mostly, already has. I might take a lot of flak from the gay world by posting this, but I think it is important that everyone know that for me, this is my testimony, and this is the secret as to how I have currently resolved this issue inside of myself:

I know God lives, and prayer has been the most important thing I have learned in regards to this issue. My conversations with my Father in Heaven have been sincere and realistic. I have been promised that one day, the issue of homosexuality will be put into perspective with God’s greater plan. I have been promised that one day, I will have that perspective, and that with it will come the choice. That choice will also be about love, but not in the same way it is now. If I am still with my partner on that day I will see my love for him grow even more, into the realm of the gospel, and will then, together, may make the choice to separate.

That day may come tomorrow, or it may come after this life. Perhaps some of you may think that I have made the wrong choices leading up to this so-called “day.” You may be right, and if so, thank God for the Savior.

My complaints and agony in regards to the church are down to one, and it has nothing to do with gospel. My complaint, in fact, is only with the people who spout hatred, like the high-counsel man who read the letter in that fateful sacrament meeting. What he said wasn’t gospel. In fact, I think if he would have bothered to read what the church has officially put out on the subject, he would have had a kinder tone. To that man, and all of you who preach against homosexuality without knowing your own church’s doctrine, I will not do the same against you. I will, in fact, tell you how to help.

Imagine, please, for a moment, a 12 year old boy in your sacrament meeting who realizes his struggle is actually same gender attraction. If he felt that every member felt as you did, would he be able to come forward, and confess, at such a tender age, what he feels? Or would he be fraught with fear, his only resources telling him he would be excommunicated for being gay (the distinction between feeling and action still underdeveloped in his mind). Could he tell his parents, when he has heard his father and mother make comments about how gay people are going to Hell?

I was that twelve year old boy.

Now, imagine if the overall attitude in the church was one of tolerance. What if that boy was not afraid to approach his bishop and parents? What if counseling could be started younger, before the boy felt any frustration in regards to his feelings and the gospel? What if those parents and that bishop, cried with him, expressed their love for him and the heartache they knew he would endure? What if the subject could be discussed openly in sacrament meeting, with no feelings of guilt or shame for this boy?

I am not against LDS counseling in this regard. In fact, although it didn’t quite have the intended change in me, it DID help me rid myself of the same feelings of guilt and shame. Is it possible, that had I been younger, and this issue wasn’t taboo, and if it is environmental as the church suggests, that I could have resolved myself to be heterosexual? I don’t know. And we won’t know, unless we try a softer, more inclusive approach.

Thank you for the open dialog. I hope everyone knows that I will discuss spirituality openly and often in this blog, as soon as I get through my story. We are almost there. I can’t wait to share with everyone about my favorite prophet (Nehemiah), whose story touched me years ago, and will help anyone at any juncture in life.

Skip the parts you find offensive, but please understand that by doing so, you might miss a lesson I learned that you would AGREE with. And please, give me time to get out the story, so you can know the background behind my current thoughts and feelings.

The Fall

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Just a note: Although this entry doesn’t specifically tell of my first homosexual experience (nor will I ever relate those types of details), it does discuss how I met my first boyfriend, and the spiritual experiences that relate thereto. While recounting this story to a friend, just as it is outlined here, she told me it was “too much information.” However, it is a pivotal point in my story, and the spiritual experiences contained herein MUST be recounted.
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It wasn’t long after that experience with the church, that shift of faith, that I met Dave (name has been changed). Dave was an interesting fellow, and we became friends long before I knew he was gay (blame it on faulty gaydar if you want). When we finally discussed his sexuality, I suddenly was filled with a million questions: What was it like to be an out gay Mormon? How did you resolve the inner conflict? What did it take to come to terms with, what I considered was, breaking the law of chastity?

In counseling, I was told I needed to stop running away from my fears. Whenever I had met anyone else like Dave in the past, I immediately ran in the opposite direction. This tendency I had to run away affected my relationships with male friends, as well. I never allowed myself to get too close to someone I was attracted to, just in case. This was a behavior I was told I needed to change, so I decided to maintain my friendship with Dave. This, to me, necessitated my telling him of my own personal struggles with homosexuality.

He took the news very well, and promised to never do anything to make me uncomfortable. The joke flirting he was known for while thinking I was “straight” stopped immediately, and he did nothing but listen and answer my questions to the best of his ability. I found this to be very comforting, and also very strange. I was always taught that gay men were only after sex, and after telling Dave of my own homosexuality, I practically expected him to pressure me into more intimate situations. This was simply not the case. Dave respected my boundaries, and I respected him for that.

When I told him I had some more embarrassing questions to ask him, that I didn’t think would be appropriate to do in private because of my own temptations, he immediately suggested we go to dinner. The public ambiance of a restaurant would remove any possibility of “falling into temptation” while maintaining enough privacy that our conversation would not be overheard. I was cautious at first, because I didn’t want to feel like I was being taken on a date. We resolved that we would each pay for our own meals, take separate cars, and treat it as nothing more than two friends going out to eat, because, after all, that would be exactly what it was. We went to Panda Express so nothing would be too formal, and I finally got to ask the questions that had been weighing on my mind regarding alcohol, drugs, sex, promiscuity, and the more negative details of the gay lifestyle.

Questions led to more questions, and when dinner was over and we had been sitting in the restaurant for far too long, our conversation turned back to religion, and I thought it would be safe to invite him back to a house that I was watching for a friend so that we could continue our conversation.

As the night drew to a close I saw something in Dave’s eye that sent my head into a spiral. There was a glimmer there that told me he was starting to have feelings for me. I knew he would never act on this interest, out of respect for me, but I also knew that the situation had come that I had prepared for during the last 12 years of struggle. That fact didn’t scare me as much as knowing that I wasn’t strong enough to resist. I started telling myself that there was nothing wrong with wanting to know what it felt like to hug him, but before my train of thought could go beyond that, I excused myself and went into the bedroom, where I hit my knees in prayer.

I pleaded with my Heavenly Father. I told him that the moment had come where I would fall, and I knew I wasn’t strong enough spiritually, even after all of my preparation, to resist. The worst part was that part of me didn't want to resist. I begged God for any excuse… a telephone call, an earthquake, a fire, an angelic vision, anything to distract me or give me a reason to send Dave home.

In that moment I think I felt the spirit more strongly than I ever have in my life. I could almost make out the words, “It will be alright.”

I argued back. A spiritual revelation like that was not enough. Couldn’t I at least get a “Don’t do it!”, or “You'll go to Hell!?” Things would not be alright, I was going to fail!

The voice returned, and simply said, “I know.”

I don’t believe those two words were an endorsement, maybe not even approval, but I did learn more about agency and the lengths to which God is willing to go for my happiness. I knew that God wanted me to be happy, and that if His way wasn’t working for me, then He was willing to allow me to try my own.

I think when people say they received an answer from God telling them that it was OK to be gay, that they aren't lying. I know, from an LDS perspective, that such an answer would seem impossible. But I think, perhaps, that such a claim is simply an answer similar to mine - and what a loving God it is who gives us such range on our agency.

My resolve remained unsure as the spirit drifted slowly away. The only thing that remained was the knowledge that I was, in fact, gay, and the choice in this situation wasn't whether or not to break the laws of God, but whether or not I would allow myself to love. Did I dare allow my relationship with Dave to grow? Was it even possible for me to love? I had tried with so many women without success, so since I had never felt those feelings was it even possible? I didn't know.

But I finally got off my knees, resolved to give love a chance.